I’ve been trying to write this for days and there has been so much going on that processing is just not happening for me. Neither is getting the house cleaned, the yard sorted, or anything else of importance. Life has just taken a completely unexpected turn and all I can do is hold on for the ride.
For about the first 6 years of our marriage, change seemed to be a constant for us. We were always adjusting, always trying to make things work, always having our faith stretched. Then last summer, after a healthy baby Eden arrived, we settled into a good contentment. Life was calm and happy with very little thought of the next day, next month, etc. Then lots of storms hit around Thanksgiving, and as we approached January, I truly had no idea what the year 2014 would hold. All I knew was that my walk with God required that I draw as close to The Lord as possible. So I set my eyes on Him. And I’ve so fallen in love with the beauty of who Jesus is. I’ve learned so much about God’s guidance, sacrificing our plans for Him, and setting Him first in all things.
And then I went to Edinburgh with my dad, and I feel like I’ve cried a thousand tears ever since. I feel like we have completely jumped off the cliff and into the deep end of life. It is living by faith multiplied by a thousand, and I have felt mostly overwhelmed. I completely lost it a few weeks ago, and after two days of crying, I told my husband that I expect the next year to just be filled with tears. Like I’m crying out all of the stress of our first 6 years of marriage, all the emotions of Eden’s health while she was in the womb, and all the tension we’ve felt over this past year as we’ve had to make some huge decisions. I’m kind of a just take it all in, stay quiet, cope, keep moving person, and the dam of all of that finally burst. Now the emotions won’t stop. And as odd as it is for me, I feel like the tears are bringing so much healing to my heart. I’ve needed to release so much, and I’m learning now to not hold it in for so long.
And so in a very odd way 2014 has been a much needed year. We didn’t have any expectations for this year, but it’s still not turning out at all like we expected. If that makes any sense? We are fully back into a lifestyle of change, and it’s good because it’s bringing more growth. We are officially committed to moving to Edinburgh next summer. I will be heavily involved in the Bible school here until we head to Edinburgh, which will involve a lot of hours while the boys are in school plus nights. We have the very big job of trying to fix up our house and sell it + the even bigger job of applying for visas for 4 of us. We will be fundraising and selling almost all of our possessions, and it will be quite emotional to say the least. Of course, man makes His plans, but it’s God who directs our steps. So that is our plan, but really, we’re just yielded and saying yes to where He is directing our steps. We are walking by faith into the unknown.
I feel like we have many challenges in front of us and I’m not intimated by the challenges. But it’s easy to dwell on how I feel very unqualified and totally disorganized. It’s easy to get very overwhelmed just at the thought of how much this next year will cost and how much needs to come together for it to happen. I could easily quit before we’ve even started. Yet I have this deep sense that God had me go to Edinburgh with my dad because it provided me with the chance to catch the vision of what God is calling us to. I can feel God’s heart for the people of that city, and it is what is pulling me forward. I know for a fact that I will greatly need that vision as we face obstacles, get weary, and wonder how we will ever say goodbye to this place and all we love here. I also feel that the emotional tension, all of the change that’s happening, and all of the tears are all right and in line with transition. I have a giant amount of peace; I just have to keep telling myself that feelings don’t dictate behavior. Our course is set; feelings come and go.
So I have firmly planted myself in Psalm 23 as it provides such a clear picture of where God wants us to dwell and what His heart is towards us. It’s really the best way that I’ve found to get my head from thinking too much and to get my thoughts settled on Him rather than the giant to do list or the sense of just being totally overwhelmed. Therefore, I will leave this with that:
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before
me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house
of The Lord forever.