Yesterday was my 36th birthday, and I was not really looking forward to it. I told the family that I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I did want chocolate cake though, so my mom volunteered to make the cake and asked if they could all come over after dinner to do cards and cake. So that was the plan for the day. We all got up that morning, loaded up into the van, and the guys sang to me on the way to work. At work, I got a great surprise of wonderfully looking and tasting cupcakes and a very nice card. After work and school, the kids and I shared our cupcakes with my sister and I finished up my taxes. Then later after dinner, my grandma, my parents, and my sister came over for cake. Our house is so little that half of us have to sit in the kitchen while the other half sits in the living room. So Haven took the boys and they watched “The Croods” while the rest of chatted over coffee and cake. After they all left, my husband and I sat on the couch watched “About Time,” a movie that I have been waiting weeks to see. And I’ve just told you all of the above, to now tell you about the movie.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how my time is spent, and I won’t go into all the detail. I’m just very aware of how quickly my children are growing, and I’m not wanting to waste any time on this earth. I have an 82 year old grandma, and I do not take her life for granted. I know that none of us are guaranteed to have tomorrow. I also know that I will give an account of my life, and I have wasted enough of it already. A big part of me has been in mourning that I’m leaving my 20s and early 30s, and I haven’t accomplished all that I wanted to in my youth. So all these thoughts were already on my mind prior to last night. And I won’t go into much detail regarding the movie; it is rated R so be warned if you choose to see it. I will say though that the last 30 minutes of the movie grabbed my heart so much. I could watch the end again as it so impacted me. It reminded me (yet again) how short our time is. The main character works and works to take care of his loved ones and to fix the things that go wrong in life. He so badly wants to take care of those that he loves, yet things in life happen. As a parent, we want so badly to protect our children from anything that can hurt them, and we should be like that. But we can’t live in fear.
The movie also reminded me that all we can do is take life moment by moment and enjoy each moment we are in. I’ve been so awful at doing that, but I know God is trying to get me there. I look at my 6 month old baby girl, and her face is so beautiful. I think Lord, please imprint her sweet face as it is right now on my heart, because a year from now, I won’t be able to remember. I don’t want her days to go by so quickly. I don’t want to forget my two year old’s sweet voice and his dramatic storytelling. I don’t want to the last few days of my firstborn’s preschool days to end yet. I love how much he is learning and how he is still little, yet on the verge of being a full blown big boy. I don’t want to forget.
I want to make the most of every day. I want to be less rushed, less flustered, less caught up in all the to do’s and have to’s, and forget that my days with my little kids are flying by. I want to fully enjoy them. And on the flip side, I want to enjoy this time of living close to my family. Again, I don’t know when or if our time here is numbered. So in the midst of the uncertainty, I want to be fully here.
In turning 36, I feel like I’m very much done with looking behind AND looking ahead and am just wanting to focus on right now. The world around us is so chaotic, we’re in information overload as everything we read says this is bad for us, this is dangerous for our kids, and the culture/environment is getting worse, and it could be so easy to just fret all the time. I could easily be just like the guy in the movie and work so hard to fix things and protect everyone. But it’s impossible; it’s not realistic. And the Word clearly instructs us to not fret, but to just trust Him. It also instructs us to walk with Him, step by step. I feel like I’ve missed so many things simply because I was looking at this or that, instead of just looking at Him, and focusing on the here and now. I won’t be prepared for tomorrow if I don’t get what I was supposed to learn for today. And I’m in no way wording this correctly, but it’s just so strongly on my heart.
It’s a season of just placing everything at His feet, then placing myself there, and then just setting my eyes on Him. Once my eyes are focused, I can go about my day to day moments, and I can hear Him say, “Micah, love on your firstborn a bit more and yell a bit less.” “Micah, stop and ask that lady if she is okay.” “Micah, call your husband and see how his day is going.” “Micah, it’s time to do this and prepare for that.” Those are the step by step, moment by moment things that I want this season of my life focused on. I want to look back at this year of my life and say, “my 36th year was the season where I fully enjoyed my little ones, began to really rest in the Lord, and followed Him step by step.” I no longer want to look at politics, the happenings around us, the worries of this or that, or the uncertainty of our situation. I just want to look at Him and do what He’s asking of me for today. I want to be a good steward of the time that I’ve been given today.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
J.R.R. Tolkien – The Fellowship of the Ring