[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] I[/dropcap]f at first you don’t succeed, try, try again . . . third attempt at writing this . . . I think the fact that I got very little sleep through most of my pregnancy with EB, followed by an exhausting labor/delivery, followed by a week of her crying and sorting out her breathing, then weeks of sorting out her eating, and dealing with just the exhaustion of a newborn has finally hit me. I feel tired beyond belief, so hang in with me as I try to get what’s on my heart out into words.
Very long story short – we will welcome November with open arms as October has been the month of bad news. Yet the good news of the bad news is that we’re marching on. We just need a lot of wisdom to know what to do with the details. For example, my old faithful car, the Protege, just had a bunch of money poured into it, and a week later, it blew a head gasket. So we could kick ourselves for how much we already spent, and yet we can’t pay for a new engine. Therefore, we either park the car and hold onto it, hoping we catch a break somewhere (like a long lost forgotten aunt leaves $ to us in her will) or we try to sell it for something. This is when I would like to look into the future and see what we will need a few months from now, but that’s not an option. So we’re taking a trial month of living with one car and relying on the bus and hoping that it goes well. I will say it’s a lot to try to get 5 of us, 3 under 5 years of age, into the car to just take or pick one person up from work. So the bus might become more and more of a necessity for both Mark and me. And that’s not a bad thing as we definitely both need the exercise of walking.
Anyway, that’s just one of the areas where I feel like we’re facing dilemmas, and we have no answers. I feel like we have little hints of where to go and of what the end goals are, but just no direction on how to get there. So to me, that means that we just start walking and trust that God will guide our steps. His Word says that He will, so we have to rely on that. And sometimes, stepping out means that we step out no matter how scary it might feel.
We’re also approaching a deadline of needing to figure out what Ryder will do for kindergarten next year. Enrollment comes in March, and I hate doing things last minute. So we need to visit the school we’re thinking of and meet the principal. And we need to also consider homeschooling as a back-up plan. Both kind of make me want to hyperventilate. That’s the honest truth. The school choice is not bad, but it’s not the ideal school. And Ryder and I do not get along well enough for me to feel that homeschooling is our best option; plus, add in the factor of working and caring for a 1 year old and 3 year old. How would we make that work? So hello, where our my eyeglasses into the the future?
And lastly, the thing that has been my biggest irritant for 5 years now is our cleaning jobs. With one car, we’ll be really trying to juggle a lot on the weekends. It’s not like I can just entertain the kids for 4 hours in another town while we wait for Mark to clean. In the summers, we could probably do it, but in the winter, not so much. I LOATHE the cleaning jobs and how we only get one day a week with Mark. But they bring in a third of our income, and I keep giving them over to God and taking them back. Giving over, taking back. I guess I feel like He is providing through these jobs, but they are such a hassle. Not to mention that Mark works hard enough already.
Those are just three of the many things that are on my heart and mind a lot right now.
So saying all of that to say this –
I felt a big victory in my life this month when we received one piece of bad news after another with the final blow being the car. I didn’t get upset, didn’t lose my joy, didn’t yell, and didn’t lose my peace. I just accepted it and thought well, God will have to work it out. He will work it out. I know that deep within me. Truthfully, I’ve wanted to get to a place where we’re out of debt, free from so much stuff, and ready at any moment to do something new. The car feels like a big piece of that. It was just a big loss financially, but that’s not the end of the world and that’s life when you own things. They break, need repair, and eventually die. It’s also a closing door as that car has been so a part of my life for so long; I feel like a chapter is closing with it. And I feel really good about that. I just don’t know where we go from here. But that’s part of the faith walk, isn’t it?
So with one victory comes a celebration of who God is and how much He has done in us, and yet a a new season begins and with that comes a lot of uncertainty. He has been faithful this far, so it’s just a matter of my resting in His faithfulness to steadily guide us into this new chapter of life. I don’t get eyeglasses into the future; I just get a light in front of my feet. But that’s all that is needed to take the next step. So onward ho with prayers of Oh Lord, please direct our steps . . .