[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] T [/dropcap]his is a hard post to write. Hard to write in that it’s very personal, it’s full of mixed feelings, and I’m always very wary of other people’s opinions on my life. The habits of a pastor’s kid die hard, I guess. Anyway, so I’ll give some history first . . .
For frequent readers, you might remember that I did a few posts back at the beginning of the year regarding the question of trying for baby #3. We had several reasons for and against . . . that continued until the summer when Mark and I prayed and talked a lot about whether or not to just keep our family at 4 or try to expand. We had very mixed opinions. Some days, he would say no; mainly due to financial pressure and not knowing how to make our life work with three kids. Our cars do not hold three car seats, so it would require that we bought a new car. We desperately need a new car as my car is slowly dying, but there is no room in our budget for a car payment. 3 kids would require that I cut my hours at work. Again, no room in our budget to cut our income. And have I mentioned the size of our house . . . ? That speaks for itself, and we are not moving houses. We also have very different health insurance now, and we both knew that the cost of having a baby would be enormous. We’re trying to avoid debt, not get more of it. So for financial reasons, the obvious answer was no baby #3.
And then there was me . . . some days, I would desperately want another child. I felt like our family wasn’t complete yet. I was ready for another little one as I love the baby phase. Yet then I would think about the births of my first two, and I would then say, no, definitely not. I can’t go through childbirth again. I can’t go through the trials of trying to breastfeed and all the issues that the boys and I had with it. How will we ever get any sleep with a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler in the same house?? And formula does not fit in our budget. Nor do we want to have two children in diapers again. So no; simply no.
Yet for some odd reason, we would look at our little family and know that we’re missing one. We’re missing the final member. Mark and I both knew that. We couldn’t get away from it. We talked about adoption, we double-checked our insurance to add up the cost, we looked at cars, we evaluated it all from every different angle that we could, and everything in our circumstances said no. But that feeling of knowing that someone else was supposed to be with us didn’t leave.
So, we decided that from August till December, we would give it a go. Try for #3. And we about gave up as it didn’t happen as quickly as #1 and 2 (sorry for too much info). So I started to get my heart ready that it really would be us 4 and no more. Maybe we would adopt a baby girl when we were older and the boys were in school. And in order to avoid disappointment, as December was quickly approaching, I started telling myself that is what we would do, and it would be okay as I didn’t want to go through childbirth anyway. Yet there was a definite feeling of sadness in my heart.
And as the week of Thanksgiving arrived, and as I was working through a variety of emotions about our unsuccess, I noticed that I was feeling really odd. I had just had a horrendous case of the stomach flu, but so had my family members. Yet I continued to feel lousy while they bounced back. Yet in no way did it feel lousy as in first trimester of pregnancy lousy. I didn’t even consider pregnancy as I had the exact same symptoms with both my boys, and I didn’t have those at all. So I told myself I was not pregnant; I just felt really weird. Hard to explain. And then the number one symptom of pregnancy showed up (and I’m trying to word this delicately for any male readers), so I thought okay, maybe I need to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t tell my husband though as I was convinced it would be negative. Lo and behold, I got quite a big shock as it was very much POSITIVE. I immediately called Mark and told him I had news. His first response was “You’re calling me to tell me you are pregnant. And if so, is it okay to tell this kind of news over the phone?” And what I love most about my hubby is his honesty and sweetness. I was unsure how he’d feel about having another baby as it puts A TON of pressure on him. Yet at the end of our conversation, he told me how happy he was. And that’s exactly how I felt. Happy, happy.
I love how God knows the desires of our hearts. I love His goodness to us. I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of how to mother three little ones. We feel overwhelmed at all the change that will need to happen in the next 7 months. BUT we know that we know that God is our Provider. I know that I have survived two very traumatic births, and with His strength and help, I will get through this one. I’m believing that this one will be less complicated than the first two. And I know that this baby is meant to be. I know my boys will be wonderful big brothers. So as my God knits this baby together, I trust Him. I rest Him, I rejoice in Him, and I just feel happily blessed. God is good. All the time.
I don’t think that this baby will shock us much in the looks department as both of my kids looked so similar at birth. E was over a pound bigger than R, but their baby photos are almost identical. So we look forward to seeing another sweet face this summer.
And we were going to wait until January to share this news, but I must be the earliest showing female ever. So in order to avoid questions or rumors or whatever, we thought maybe it would be good to just throw this out there. 😉