So I think that I need to do some writing as therapy for my soul.

I’ve been bummed out over the past few weeks. Having our house broken into and losing my laptop with all our pictures, writing, all my papers, notes, reading from Fuller, our resumes, Mark’s visa paperwork, etc. was a big hit in itself. Being pregnant and not sleeping well is another thing in itself. Training a puppy is another thing, and figuring out how to pay baby bills is just another. Plus, I’m having to work a lot, and each day is jammed pack with busyness. So basically, I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m fighting worry, stress, fatigue, etc. I just want to have a day with no work, no bills, no grocery shopping, no cleaning, no cooking, etc. I dream of that day. Lord, help me to endure.

Meanwhile, my husband proves every day how wonderful he is. We have two side cleaning jobs, and he’s slowly taking over both. My body just can’t handle two hours of straight cleaning, so I do what I can do to help. But it’s not much these days. Mark is working with the puppy every day, and each day, she becomes a more improved little girl. She really is a joy to be with (when she’s not biting). He’s doing other side jobs plus working on building his own business. Plus, he has three or four weekly activities that he does for the church. He’s a busy man. Yet somehow, he manages to go to the post office for me, cook dinner once or twice a week, help with laundry, and help with cleaning. What would I do without him? He also suffers through my crabbiness without making a big deal of it. He’s close to being angelic. 😉

I look at him (usually after I’ve whined, complained, thrown a fit, etc.), and I think why does he handle things so gracefully? How does he keep his peace? How does he do jobs that he doesn’t like, but does them without complaining because he knows we need the money? Why do I think that God will give me my dream job when I’m complaining about my current one? How will I make it as a mom when I can’t handle what’s already on my plate? And lastly, why am I not grateful for what I’ve got? I spend so much time thinking about the things that I don’t have time for that I don’t make the most of the time that I’ve got. Sure, I don’t get to do many fun things. I don’t get much time to relax; I don’t have enough time for friends and my own family. But I can make the most of what I do have.

Somehow, I have this sense that my faithfulness is being tested right now. So far, I’ve failed miserably. But the test isn’t over. I can change and make tomorrow different than today. Lord, help me . . . I will do that.

One thought on “that tight, I can’t breathe feeling

  1. My friend, you do have a full plate … so much going on in your life at the moment. It is very difficult to remain on top of things when you are exhausted. I was so blessed to read how blessd you are with Mark. God is good to have given you such a loving, patient, understanding and helpful husband. It is how I feel about my husband as well so I understand how you feel:-) I am praying for you and I’m sending you lots of love today. Blessings and peace upon you, Mic!

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