I should be cleaning right now. However, Ryde and I just had a very traumatic experience as he wailed during his entire dr. appointment today. As the doctor noted, my son is very good at expressing his opinion. He didn’t like her touching him, didn’t like his exam, didn’t smile at the doctor, was very unhappy about the shots, and even more unhappy about getting his blood work done. Even a pink dinosaur could not make him happy. He didn’t smile until we got home and he saw Zoya. So both Z and Ryde are now happily napping, and I’m working through a long progression of thoughts. I thought it might help for me to write them out.

As a kid, I was pretty clear on how the world worked, what I would do when I grew up, and how God was involved in everything. I think I stayed that way until maybe 17 or 18 years of age when the big decision of where to go to college had to be made. Then things became very unclear. I then worked through a long series of decisions; some of which were good, some not so good. I spent a year in California, then transferred to Colorado, then decided to graduate early, then took the first job I could find, endured that for almost three years until I was laid off, then took time out to figure out what to do. That led to 2 months in Papua New Guinea and Thailand, then time off till I again took the first job that I could. That led to a lot of praying. I finally got a job that I really enjoyed, which was working at the church, and it lasted a few years. Then change happened. So I again went back to California and really the rest is history. And really, certain chunks of those years felt like just a lot of waiting time. Sure, I traveled quite a bit, was heavily involved in missions and youth ministry, but I always felt like I was in pursuit of something. Now, being a married woman and a mom, I realize that those old desires are still there. I know there is something big and specific that I am called to do, and I get bits and pieces of it. But I’ve never had the full picture. I have more pieces now than ever, but when I lay them all out, I still don’t see what picture these pieces are forming. So I’ve gone back to the basics in almost every area of life. Back to what it means to be a Christ-follower, who I am in Christ, what the general ministry of every believer is, and how this all fits in with being a wife and a mom. Yet I also work part-time and have a cleaning job on the weekends. Not to mention that I also volunteer in a lot of areas and have a home to maintain. My plates are very full. Sometimes, they are way too full. And most days, I think I so want to do this before Jesus comes back; I’m so passionate about this. Yet those things seem so far away from my every day life. And I wonder if I’m missing it?

Please don’t think that I’m unhappy in any way. I am happy. I count my blessings every day. If this is all that I ever have and experience, I am beyond blessed.

I just have longings that pop up. And I wonder if they’re more of a source of frustration and really need to be put and kept on the shelf? Or are they urgings of the One who knows me best and wants to remind me of who He made me to be?

So as I wait for Ryde to wake up, and as I go out to weed the yard (and not swelter in the heat), my heart is wondering. Have I missed my opportunity? Am I too old? Are we on the right path? And if Jesus returned today, would I be able to say that I did all that He called me to do?

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