[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] A [/dropcap] few weeks before Eden was due, we had two members of our church speak while my dad was on a missions trip. Both spoke on dreams, callings, and doing what you were made to do. They were right up my alley. Yet then baby’s due date came and went, then baby came, then we’ve been in this newborn fog of feedings and sleep deprivation and a sick 4 year old and a 2 year old in crisis. And Mark goes back to work this week . . . Lord, help us. Help me . . . I feel slightly terrified at the thought of 10 hours a day of me + 3 children and trying to somehow fill all that time. I’ve already decided that we’re not leaving the house until school starts a week later. And the thought of school starting and my returning to work all in the same week is also slightly terrifying . . . I’m not really sure how to do anything right now, and I know it will come together with practice. It’ll just be a learning curve.
Anyway, so dreams and callings were where it was at. And over this past year, I think some things have come more into focus for me as far as figuring out a few things that I would really, really like to at least try. My husband has been a great encourager and advice giver as he’s helped me to sort through all the interests I have and get them narrowed down to what has been a repeated theme that keeps popping up. He’s able to pinpoint what is a fleeting dream and what is one that seems to be deeply embedded in me. We’ve been weighing those things up against being able to do them in any location, with any schedule, and any income. And since EB arrived, I feel like one thing has come to our attention as something I really should at least look into. Yet it feels daunting to say the least. Feels like a big step out into . . . thin air maybe?
Yet it’s time to do something. We can talk and talk and talk and say I should do this, pursue this, start this hobby, but if I never take the first step, then time is going to go by and eventually pass me. I don’t want to waste my life. And I don’t want to miss dreams and opportunities; I don’t want to always wish that I would have done this or tried that. And that’s how I feel now. I feel like I did so much when I was in my 20s, and yet there were other things that I really wanted to pursue but didn’t due to fear. Now, I’m ready to tackle the fear but I have other main priorities. So it’s more of a balancing act and wanting to be sure that it’s something that I can realistically try without it taking away from family time. If that makes any sense . . . just something that gets Micah’s passions and heart stirred, even if I can only devote an hour a week or two hours a month to it.
So why not step out? I guess the question is really what do we have to lose when we step out in an area? We either see if it’s a yes or a no, and neither of those are wasted. If it’s a no, then you move on to the next thing. If it’s a yes, then it’ll lead to the next step. You follow the steps until you know that God is most definitely leading you down the road and you trust Him to take you wherever it is that you should go. Regardless, at least you did something. You didn’t just bury your talent. You at least tried to make something of it.
And I really feel that now is the time to step out; otherwise, life will pass me by.
Not to mention the fact that I really need an outlet. My being needs a way to take a small break from all the household chores, the part-time job, the running here and there, and the cleaning of little hands, feet, and bums. I feel like I’ll be a better mom if I have something that I can do that inspires me and stirs up who God made me to be.
I don’t know if I’m stepping out in the right area, but I am trusting God to direct my steps. And I’m not even ready to share the idea that is being pondered in my heart and head as I’m not even convinced that it’s something I’ll be good at or will even finish. It’s just something that keeps coming up . . . so I guess when I know if it’s a yes or no, then we’ll start a new category of this blog that will involve my stepping out endeavor.
My apologies for the vague post, for not keeping up with this site, and for the poor writing lately. Life is just full of a lot of transition, a lot of feeling like a newbie at how to get on with our new life, and a lot of ponderings. When we were checking out of the hospital, the nurse looked at me and said, “wow, you’re sure anxious to get home.” I responded by telling her that I was ready to get on with life. Ready to dive in, ready to be a functioning family of 5, and really just ready to move forward. I think that feeling is generally where it’s at for Mark and for me. As scary and as daunting as everything feels, we’re still ready to move forward. Even if that means stepping out into thin air and not really having a clue about what I’m doing. It’s just time to look forward.