So a little creep keeps trying to invade my heart. And I keep fighting him off, but he keeps pushing. A little creep called fear, who I hate as I’ve fought him my whole life. Yet today, I realized that he almost got a victory.
As I’ve already written, we had a rough week last week with our boys and sickness and falls. I thought all the sickness was gone yesterday as Ryder was well enough to go to school and Ezzy was back to his old self. Sunday, Mondays, and Tuesdays are our longest, busiest days of the week, so I crashed last night at 10pm in bed. At 1am, I hear weird noises from Ezra’s room. I groggily asked Mark why Ezra would be awake (E is our good sleeper.), and I crawled out of bed to check on him. I do not see well at night, so I usually feel for my kids to make sure they’re fine. And what I felt with Ezzy was wet. Not good. I turned on the light and my sweet boy was lying in vomit. Ugh. Not again. So Mark heard me and came to our aid. He bathed Ezzy while I changed all the bed coverings. We got Ezzy settled in his swing, got ourselves back to bed, only to be up doing the same about 15 minutes later. And we were still up at 5am with Mark holding Ez over the toilet while I was looking up “vomiting” and what to do. Sheesh.
And did I mention that somehow during the midst of it all I walked right into the doorframe and have a cut on my forehead??? I don’t see well at night. Period.
Then at 8am, we dealt with the worst choking incident that Ryde’s ever had. Scary, scary, scary. I handled it very poorly as all my exhaustion and stress came flying out of my mouth . . . as usual. So I left the three guys and headed for work with my heart pounding. I thanked the Lord over and over for protecting my kids and for Ezra’s health. My Ezra was a whopping 8lb 13oz when he was born. Big boy! And it’s hard on a mom’s heart when your child is almost 10 months and still very little. 🙁 Hard when he’s struggled so much to be healthy.
So as I was driving, I just said you know what, I don’t want any more kids. I don’t want to fear for another child’s health. Don’t want to deal with falls and choking. I’m tired of this. It’s too hard on my heart. This has been too many months of being hard on my kids and hard on me. No more. And I walked into work with a heavy heart, a battle weary body, and a giving up attitude.
Not cool. Not right to let the creep of fear win. My kids are God’s kids. They are in His protection. They were born for such a time as this with a specific, God-ordained purpose. I fight on their behalf. Fear doesn’t win. The enemy does not triumph over them or me. And if baby #3 is not to be, then it will be based on the right reasons. Not based off of fear.
So as my boys and I recently sang together, and we will sing again today, this is our anthem in the Hayden household –
“O clap your hands all ye people
Shout unto God with a voice of triumph!
For the Lord is good
and His mercy endureth forever!”
Thanking Him for His mercy today. 🙂