[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] I [/dropcap] am feeling all over the place today, which means I need to process, process, process. So here goes . . . .
One benefit of alone time with one’s spouse is getting to discuss where we’re at and where we’re going. I’m a dreamer, planner, goer, gypsy type personality who dreams of feeding the poor, working with the homeless and orphan, teaching at a Bible school, and living abroad. That’s me. That’s who my husband married. And thankfully, he doesn’t try to change me. He does tell me the truth though, and the truth is that I tend to make hasty decisions, which are not always good in the end. I sink or swim, and for about 4 years, we’ve been trying to not sink. So as we dig ourselves out of bad decisions, I’ve been trying to learn from my patient, goal setter, who always finishes everything he starts. And this weekend, we discovered that we really are headed in the same direction; he’s just taking his time in planning. He’s not allowing us to dive off the deep in this time. I’m thankful for that. At almost 35, I think I’m ready to be done with foolish decisions.
Speaking of turning 35, I had to have a good cry the other night as all my guys slept. I don’t dread being 35 or even dislike this age, but I deeply regret that my youngest child will be so much younger than we are. It scares me to think of Mark and I not living long enough to see our grandchildren or to think of leaving our baby before he/she is old enough to lose a parent. I’m speaking long life over both of us, but I never wanted to be an old parent. Yet here we are. It grieves my heart. It’s an area where I really have to fight fear and regret. Then when I quiet my emotions down, I think back to the single girl I was in my 20s. The girl who would pour her heart out to her God in her journal and would ask “where is my husband?” That girl whose every tear was seen in heaven; that girl who loved her God so much and who had to just trust that He knew what He was doing. That girl who longed to be a mama, but was not in any place to be one. God knew that girl would have kids later in life; that wasn’t news to Him. My age doesn’t worry Him. So why would it worry me? Sometimes in life, we have to simply trust that our steps are ordered by the Lord, and He will work it out.
And as I approach mid-life, I feel strongly that it’s time for Mark and I to do what we were made to do. It’s time to walk in our giftings and callings. I know that in my belly. And we have ideas of how to do this, but we have a lot of hurdles to get over. Yet if we sit any longer and just eye the hurdles, we’ll never move forward. So it’s time. And I think much of this blog will start taking a new shape as we start pursuing the dreams on our heart.
I dream of Europe. There is no coincidence in the fact that my husband is British, that we spent our first 1.5 years of married life living in Britain, that both Mark and I are well-traveled and quite flexible. The missionary heart that I have had since childhood is not for nothing. Our bi-cultural marriage is not for nothing. It’s all part of the journey, and we’re feeling that our journey will take us to other lands. We don’t know when or how or what we’ll do with Zoya. We don’t know how we’ll teach our kids or how it will affect them. We just know that we have a burning in our souls to spread the Good News, to love the unlovely, to teach those who need to know about the Kingdom of God, to train up history makers. Mark has so much creativity, such an ability to communicate through the written word, and yet with two jobs, he has no time. It’s time to get to a place where he has time. And both of us know in our being, that the US is not our home . . . we’re just passing through.
So as I prayerfully consider 2013, these things are heavy on my heart. They are prayers that rise up before the Lord. They are thoughts that get processed and written down, and again, as always, I know that He knows. He sees the cries of this middle aged lady and her family. He is ordering our steps. And He is trustworthy.