[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] S [/dropcap]o this will be a bit of a bi-polar blog as I have lots of thoughts that are really running through my head this week . . .

The first being balance – I’ve had a number of things on my to do list: freeze the bag of green chiles that have been sitting in the fridge, cut up the remaining apples from our tree and freeze them, bake the pumpkin that has been sitting on the counter and get some pumpkin bread made for Ryde, and continue on with purging/sorting the house. Ryder’s been asking for me to make pumpkin bread for a few weeks now, so I tackled that one yesterday. I learned last year to not try to tackle a giant pumpkin as it’s a lot of manpower to get it cut, baked, and pureed. So I just went with a small, pie pumpkin this year. It was 10x easier. I pureed it after dinner last night so that I can make the bread today. But while I was searching for a healthier recipe to use (not a sugar packed, white flour recipe), I realized how much I’ve changed in the 3 years since Ryder was born. I think that having two sons has forced me to relax, to choose my battles, to not worry about things that are out of my control, and to not do things that I don’t enjoy. And I don’t mean that I don’t wash the dishes or clean the bathroom because I loathe those jobs, but I’m realizing that there are a list of things that are not me.

A.) I’m not a pinner. I find pinterest useful for ideas and for bookmarking things that I want to remember. But I have no time to try crafts, to surf the internet for stuff, to daydream about things we can’t afford. It’s fine for all of those who like all of that, and more power to you if you do. It’s just simply not me.

B.) I’m not a domestic diva. I’m a very practical dreamer who procrastinates a lot. It takes me days to sort through boxes. I’m highly distracted; plus, I’m constantly being needed by two little people. I don’t sit down and sew or make elaborate crafts or scrub my kitchen walls. I just get done whatever needs done. I don’t try to do things that I’m not even good at just for the sake of trying to be something that I’m not. For example: we don’t do Halloween at our house, and we quickly found that we’re one of the very few families who don’t. I  have never liked anything about Halloween; it makes my stomach hurt. Mark feels the same way, so it was our decision to raise our boys to celebrate other holidays, but not this one. And I’m not about to stress and try to sew up a halloween costume as that would be disastrous for all involved. Nor do we have the money to buy them. Nor do we want to go out and do it all just to fit in with everyone else. If our boys feel otherwise when they’re older, then we’ll all sit down and discuss the reasons why we have chosen not to. But for now, it’s a no go. Simple as that.

C.) I do have an eye for things I like, but it’s taking me awhile to achieve the looks that I like on myself and in our home. Things take time and money; it takes patience to make things into what you like. Our home is gradually getting there . . . I have big ideas for combining the boys’ room, for finally hanging up all of our family pictures, and getting rid of more stuff. But it takes time to save for what I really want, so I’m patiently keeping my eyes open for ideas, for sales, and for making my house our home.

D.) I do love kitchens and cooking. Not baking so much, but cooking. I love making my family good meals. It’s a great stress reliever for me. I’d so love a big kitchen where we could have people over for dinner, where my boys could do their homework at the table, where our family could congregate. Right now, when my parents come over, my dad sits on the couch and listens while the rest of us stand/sit around the little kitchen table as we don’t all fit in our kitchen. We simply don’t have people over as there’s no where to put anyone, so it’s a dream for some day.

E.) Most of my dreams are all outward. I want to serve people, love on orphans, travel the world. I want to give pastors’ kids big hugs and tell them that they are so loved by their Father God. I want to cuddle babies who have been left by their mamas. I want to teach others to look beyond themselves and to allow God to transform them into vessels of His love. I long to do all of these things, and while I’m short on time now, it doesn’t mean that I can’t allow God to cultivate these dreams, to fill me up with more love, and to help me to just love on those right in front of me.

And finally, since having TWO boys, I’m learned that my house is generally a wreck. Yet there’s a point of chaos in which I cannot think, so I spend time each night getting it over to the point of okayness where I can think. It’s maybe not the state of tidy or clean that someone else (who doesn’t have two boys or work) might want, but it works for us. I’ve also learned that I burn dinner a lot when dealing with my 1 year old and what he happens to need while I’m trying to cook. It’s not the end of the world; it’s disappointing for the perfectionist in me. However, my kids hardly even eat dinner, so it’s no big deal. And I can deal with most boyish things such as mud, dirt, messes, loudness, running, wrestling, etc. However, when I’ve hit my limit, it’s time to just give up doing whatever I’m trying to do and just take a time out. It’s better to keep my peace than to lose my temper because my nerves are frayed from my oldest spending 30 minutes screaming and running around the house. It’s then time to put on a tv show for him and just let us all chill out. And most importantly, on busy days when I’m flat out exhausted by 8pm, it’s time to just go to bed, get my quiet time, and leave the laundry for tomorrow. It’ll still be there waiting for me when I get up . . .

Thank the Lord for His grace and patience. I appreciate it so much. And by the way, my pumpkin puree turned out beautifully, but the healthy pumpkin bread was completely flavorless. Yeah, I don’t love baking . . .

4 thoughts on “not trying to be something that I’m not

  1. Great, Micah! Can understand on so many counts. Our dining room table seats three, but recently, I’ve had a change. We happened to have some people over and I realized although my space was small, it didn’t have to limit my hospitality. Now I just have adults sit in the living room, and spread a blanket on the floor for extra kids to eat in the living room/kitchen area(like a picnic) and smaller kids eat at the table. Believe it or not, we hosted 6 kids and 4 adults this way…in a small space. We’ve been trying to reach out to our community focusing on what we have….and inviting a new family or two in a week. That’s us. And I’ve been looking for space saving ideas….even though some of them are conceptual right now. Honestly, I am beginning to love our small space more. It’s great because I’ll look at stuff now and go, “nope, that won’t fit”. It’s great for prioritizing!

  2. Micah, I so enjoyed reading your new found freedom. What hastaken me 50 some years to relax and do all the things you have written about is so amazing. I am so very happy for you. What you have embrace will save you so much heartache for you and your family.

    Growing is very hard work and it is on going. God is always there to guide us through the journey of life. Your willingness is so evident on how speedily God had done his work in you.

    I have learned so much from you about prioritizing. I have worn myself out because I could never say no. Now I can say no so well that I say it to much. I will always be a work in progress.

    I truly enjoy and benefit from your blog.

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