I’ve been trying to write out a very hard-to-write blog this afternoon. So much so that I’ve got drafts sitting in my saved box that will never be read. And I had about given up on getting it out, when I decided to check the blog of a person that I’ve never met, yet I’ve been reading her writing for about 4 years now. And randomly, out of no where, a thought came to me while I was reading her blog. Actually, it’s a memory. I have quite a good memory (most of the time), and I can remember a lot about my childhood. Yet I have one very distinct memory from when I was in the 3rd grade. I was walking into school, watching all the kids around me talk and play, and I know I heard the Lord say to me, “Micah, you are not a freak. You are named ‘Micah’ which means like unto Jehovah, like Me.” I remember that prior to hearing Him say that I was questioning why I was named Micah. No one else had an unusual name. No other girl in my class had a boy’s name. And why did I have to be quiet. No one else in my class was quiet? So why did God make me like that? And out of no where, He answered the cry of a little girl’s heart. How good is our God? 🙂 He even cares about the little insecurities of a 9 year old.
That moment has been engraved on my heart as it has encouraged me many, many times throughout my life. And now, as a 32 year old woman, you’d think that my insecurities of who I am would be long gone. For the most part, they are long gone. I’m not insecure about my name or about my quietness. I’ve accepted and embraced those features of me. I’m not insecure about how I look or how many bad hair days I have (I’m actually and probably too comfortable with my bad hair days). I don’t care if someone thinks I’m a snob or if they think I’m ugly. That’s their opinion, and it doesn’t affect me. I don’t even care if someone shares different opinions from me on most subjects; again, it’s their opinion. We can still be friends and disagree.
However, lately, I’ve realized that I’ve become distant, a bit isolated, a bit too sensitive, and a bit friendless. And I mean friendless in the sense that I typically love to socialize, love to e-mail, love to visit friends, love to be out doing things with people. Yet that has slowly changed this year, and I’m now in the mode where I just want to be home. I don’t want to be chatting about the latest fashion, the latest episode of this or that, what I did last night, what we did over the weekend, etc. Nor do you want to chat with me about those things, because our answers are pretty much the same. 🙂 I’m also finding that I know who my lifelong, do anything for you, love you regardless friends are, and I’ve even neglected them. Not so much as I’ve neglected everyone else, but pretty close, and I feel bad for that. But honestly, in this phase of life, I’m just finding that I need to be quiet, need to say no to a lot of things as our lives are way too busy with work and a toddler, and I don’t have a lot of “fun” things to say. I can’t talk about shopping, because I don’t shop for anything but groceries. Can’t talk about the latest movie, because I haven’t seen it. Can’t talk about TV, because I don’t watch it. My world consists of work, Ryder, searching for healthy recipes and organic foods, and reading. And even what I read is a bit intense, but if you’re up for talking about books, then we’re good . . . . 🙂 The things that I’m interested in are not subjects that a lot of people want to dive into. And I’m okay with that. Yet I haven’t been okay with feeling like I’m isolating myself, because I’ve always heard my dad talk about the dangers of isolation. So I’ve questioned if that’s where I’m at.
The other night, I was talking with the lovely, encouraging, wonderful ladies of the Justice Project, and we were talking about how our friends build us up, encourage us, spur us on, and stir up the gifts within us. They’re necessary for us to fulfill the call and the destiny that God has for us. So it’s important that we do pay attention to our friendships, that we do make sure that they’re uplifting. And I realized that I haven’t done a good job of spurring my friends on. There’s nothing better to me than sitting with a good friend and talking about all that God is doing in us and showing us, and I’ve been so blessed to have a few good friends to do that with. Yet months have gone by since I’ve called so-and-so and said hey, let’s go to coffee and see what we’re both learning. I’m doing good to even be in contact with most, let alone say hey, how’s your walk with the Lord going? How’s your passion for this? Has God shown you any more steps to take for this? How can I pray with you about what God’s put on your heart? Somewhere, at some point this year, I stopped doing that. My main reasons for not doing it have been a.) too busy and too tired, b.) too preoccupied with my own circumstances, and c.) too afraid that others don’t want to talk about that stuff. And too worried that I come across as too serious or too much.
So I’ve been convicted this week of allowing myself to go into isolation, of being too fearful of being the freak, and just being too me-minded. I’ve decided to ask the Lord to show me who needs someone to come alongside them and say hey, you’re called to do this, so let’s get you there. Or hey, I heard you need help with this, and I know how to do it. So let’s go . . . we’ll see how He answers.