Motherhood is an interesting experience to say the least. 🙂 It’s teaching me a lot about myself as I see aspects of me in my son. Lately, I feel like he’s been a mirror image of myself as I’m seeing him deal with anger and frustration. At first, it was shocking to see him get so upset at something that seemed so little to me. Yet it was a big deal to him. And as I watched him, I realized that I was just given a glimpse of how the Lord sees me.
I’ve struggled a lot with anger and frustration over the past year (don’t know if I’ve already said that in a past post as I tend to repeat things). There have been many circumstances that have been out of my control. Many situations that I feel like we’re stuck in, and we don’t see any way out. It’s been hard. I’ve had months where I’ve had no joy; times where I’ve walked in no peace. Moments where I’m just so angry that I erupt and then am shocked at all the ugliness spewing out of me. It’s been embarrassing to say the least. It’s had me running back to my hiding place in Him to find out where all the junk is coming from and how to deal with it.
And as I’ve watched Rydey get upset because his little body can’t do something or because he’s fallen for the 50th time, I’ve seen him throw things, hit things, and then just have a complete meltdown and cry his little heart out. He doesn’t know that at this time in life, his body hasn’t developed enough for him to do what he’d like. He doesn’t know that the thing he can’t have is dangerous for him. He doesn’t realize that his mom and dad are trying to help him not hurt him. His perspective is very limited at this point. Yet it won’t always be like that.
So I’m realizing that I’m actually in the same boat as my son. My perspective is also limited as I can’t see the way out of my frustrating situations. But God can. I’m angry and upset because of this and that, but He knows why. He sees the eternal viewpoint while I’m only seeing the today view. If I’ll trust Him, He will lead us out of this dark, frustrating time. It may not be in my timing, but as I trust Him and yield to Him, He’ll also work in me so that patience, endurance, and strength replace the frustration, disappointment, and anger. The key is that I have to yield and trust Him. As I lay on the floor and cry my heart out (just like my son does), I can repent of all the yucky feelings that I’m struggling with and let the great Heart Mender do His work. And I can also be confident that as I yield and submit, He is building great character in me. He is preparing me for the next thing, strengthening my foundation, testing my endurance, and proving my character. As hard as all of that is on me and my flesh, the value of it is worth far more than I realize. Many of us are familiar with the first chapter of James and can quote a good chunk of it, but lately, this section has brought great comfort and hope to me –
2Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
3Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.
4But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.
I’m no longer fighting our circumstances. I’m simply letting the Lord do His work in me and resting in the fact that through this time He is refining me and perfecting me. So moment by moment, I’m trading in my anger, my stress, and my frustration for His truth, His love, His work. And I’m confident that in a few years from now I’ll look back on the old me and think wow, look how far God has brought me. That is a good thought. 🙂