Ever have days (or in my case, months) where you’re just ugly? Bad hair, bad clothes, out of shape, tired, and worst of all, just a bad attitude? If you haven’t, then move on from this blog . . . 🙂
I’ve been in a 2.5, almost 3, year rut. Basically since we moved back to the States, I’ve been in a blah mode. I’ve prayed, done heart evaluations, asked God if I’m out of step, out of sync with Him, made a wrong decision somewhere, etc., and zip. I don’t have any clue why. I think that moving from one country to another, followed by getting a new job, buying a house, getting pregnant, working through immigration, having baby #1, recovering from a c-section, learning to be a mom, working hard to survive financially, teaching at the Bible school, then getting pregnant again, now having baby #2 . . . has all been a lot. BUT God’s grace is sufficient. He doesn’t give us more than we can handle. However, I think I take on more than I can handle, and I do it in my own self. Out on my own, I make a huge mess of things. And so I’ve been living in a mess.
The wake up call to my mess as been that when I’m under pressure all that seems to seep out is my control freak, perfectionist, can I just have some peace and quiet side. And now with baby #2 and a toddler at my side all the time, I’m seeing yucky sides of myself. I’m seeing anger explode at the constant yelling and whining from my toddler, impatience as one child starts to cry followed by the other with both wanting to be held and consoled, frustration at a dog who does absolutely everything that she should not, and just an overall feeling that everything is out of control. I’m finding that I start to have moments where I just erupt at nothing. I find one thing in my day that gives me some security, some feeling of ok, at least this part of my day will work out as planned, and then when it doesn’t, I just lose all sense of everything. And my loving, easy going husband tends to get the volcano mess of my emotions spewed all over him. All he did was come home from work . . . and probably wish that he could go back to work.
Ugliness. Sin. Selfishness. I’m tired, I want this, I need that, does no one get it?? It’s all yuck. And it all comes from me losing perspective. Losing sight of Who my Help is. Forgetting that I can take 10 seconds and say Lord, please help. Not taking the time to get my Bible out for 5 minutes while I’m up at the crack of dawn with baby #2 and getting my morning started right. Forgetting that my mind has to be renewed, I have to let God’s peace flow, and I need to stay in the love walk. In His presence is love, joy, and peace. And my family needs me to stay in His presence.
So I’m humbly climbing back into the Secret Place of the Most High. Hiding in Him as I let Him do a work on me. This lady needs a new look, a new perspective, a new outlook, and lots of help. And He’s more than happy and willing to do all of that in me. So I’m taking it, and hopefully, I’ll have a new post to write in a few months that describes the new me (both inside and out). 🙂