After a very long week of dealing with sick kids, Mark and I decided to stay home on Saturday and let everyone rest and get healthy. We had our first real day off in months, and it was amazing. I felt like our family got time to do things we’ve needed to do, Mark and I got time to discuss some major decisions that we’ve been needing to make, and we got to just enjoy each other. A marriage is pretty bumpy when you don’t get time to just enjoy the person you married. And even with Ryder sick and very cranky, we still felt like we got rest. Let me tell you that feels amazing!

On Sunday morning, we decided that we’d go to church and all go to worship. Mark would then take the boys into the lobby and watch them during the service so that I could actually go to the service. I’ve missed so many weeks with Ezzy being sick and me having to roam the hall with him, so it was my turn to enjoy church. 🙂 And long story short, but during the service, I got hit with God’s heart, which resulted in my sobbing in the middle of service. Ridiculous. And I know enough now to know when and why this hits. I know the trigger of it, and I know that I can’t fight it. It just wells up within me and pours out. Embarrassing as that can be as I’m the worst at crying normally . . . I cry dramatically unfortunately. But I’ve learned to live with that as well.

So after the service as Mark and I were driving to the cleaning jobs, I was filling him in on the sermon, then told him about what happened with me. He knows the trigger now as well, and he knows my heart and how it’s linked to God’s on a certain subject (i.e. the trigger). So we discussed how time is short and why am I not walking out God’s heart in this area. And I’m leaving a lot unsaid (on purpose), so I hope this makes some kind of sense. But it left me with a lot to think on while we did our cleaning jobs.

The past few months have been really difficult as far as finances, sick children, making some hard decisions, etc. It’s been A LOT of trusting God, which is so good. I love the growth that we’re seeing as we trust God. Yet I noticed this week that we’re now climbing a large mountain. The obstacles feel very, very large. The heaviness is very easy to give into. Yet I don’t have to give in. I can keep handing it over. So as I laid in bed this morning and listened to Ezzy wail at 6:30, I off-loaded onto my God. I rested my heart in His. I told Him all the things that feel so overwhelming, I told Him how tired I am, and then I told Him that I trust Him. And I got up. I faced my day . . . with His help.

And I’m telling you all this to say this . . . 🙂 As I was driving the boys to work, Ryder was asking if he could see Stevie (my co-worker that Ryder loves). I told him that if Hav was not at work yet to pick Rydey up, then yes, he could go into see Stevie. Then Ryde responds with “I need chocwit kiss.” (Steve likes to supply Ryder with treats.) Immediately, my response was Ryde, that is not right. You need to want to see Stevie because you like him, not because you want a chocolate kiss. As soon as I said that, I felt God’s heart. That’s how He feels about us. Yes, He wants us to offload on Him, come to Him with needs, let Him carry our load. But He also wants me to just like Him. Love on Him. Want to be with Him. And I do like Him. Very, very much. But how great would it be to be in the place where an obstacle is looming, the pressure is trying to pin me down, and instead of even looking at it or considering it, I just go and rest in His heart. I just love on Him and don’t even look at the obstacle. How different and amazing would that be?

I’m realizing that there are great moments in life where the heart of God pours out through me, or where His love overwhelms me, or when I just know that He’s there. And those moment have great purpose as they encourage us, uplift us, and show us His heart. But there are even greater moments in life where we just sit and rest in His fellowship, His face, Who He is. We’re not thinking on what we need from Him (we’re always in need of Him), but we just sit and soak His presence. We just enjoy Him. And yesterday as sobs came out of me, and I knew I was feeling His heart for someone else, it hit me that what was flowing out was His love for a particular set of people. That love is so strong; it’s so overwhelming. His love for us is so huge. If we only caught that, then we would realize that these obstacles are just obstacles. They don’t keep us from finishing the race. They’re not a deterent. They’re simply moments of being stretched so that we can know Him better. They’re moments to get into His presence and soak in how good He is. So that’s the level that I’m moving to; times of soaking rather than times of worrying.

And all of this that I’ve written ties in together in my heart; I’m just not wording it correctly . . . but I hope it makes some sense to someone who may read it.

One thought on “my heart

  1. Micah it is 3AM and I am laying here in the hospital. I want you to know that I totally get it. I can't thank you enough for writing it down for me to read.

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