My husband, being the good man that he is, bought me a surprise for Christmas, and it was one of the best surprises as it was Heidi Baker’s brand new book (pictured). I didn’t even know it was out, so it was great to unwrap it on Christmas morning. He knows that she is my hero in the faith, and I love her heart for God. So this past week, I finally had a chance to start reading the book, and I devoured it. Every night as I went to bed, I laid down with a heart full of prayer as I considered the scriptures and the thoughts that she pours out through her writing. Last night, as I finished the book, I felt truly impacted and challenged. I’m sure I’ll write more on the thoughts that I’ve processed from the book, but for now, I just want to focus on desperation.
Lately, the more I study the Word, the more I read the prayers and thoughts of the heroes of the faith who have given their lives in order to spread the Gospel and to love the peoples of the world, the more I realize that the depth of our walk with God is all based on our desperation for more of Him. We have to come to the end of ourselves to get into Him, and we also have to know that without Him we’re nothing. Yet on the flip side of that, as we dig into Him, we see how much He values us and loves us. His love for us is beyond our comprehension. I know that. I’m sure most of you know that. But it’s this great love that so encompasses His heart for us and for the world. It’s this love that draws us to Him and draws others to Him. I don’t just want to know it in my head and to tell others about it; I want a heart knowledge of it. I want to go deeper; I want to love more. I want to be filled and overflowing with His heart for the world. I want to know His heart for me, for my family, for my neighbors, and for every tribe and nation. And that has always been my heart, but it has seemed that I always get tripped up in my own self. Like my own stuff has been a stoppage to letting the love pour out to others. I’m tired of that. I want to be an open, pouring vessel, and that has been my heart’s cry.
So I’m realizing that the deeper question/issue is how much time will I truly devote into getting to know Him? How desperate for Him am I really? If I spend more time reading fiction novels, or checking all my social media accounts, or chatting over coffee than I spend with Him, am I really desperate for Him? Yes, there’s a time for all those things, but they’re not the number one priority. And so I’ve been convicted in how I’ve spent my time. I’ve repented for not putting my relationship with Him first. I’ve re-committed to knowing Him more, to spending more time in prayer and in His Word, and to just enjoying His fellowship. If I want to pour out, I’ve got to get filled up with good stuff. So that is my number one priority for this year. More of Him and less of all the other distractions. More seeking Him, less seeking of anything else.
In conclusion, I’ll just leave this post with the lyrics to this song by Kari Jobe as it’s one that I love. It so speaks of my heart and the truth of it just resonates with me more and more:
The more I seek you,
the more I find you.
The more I find you,
the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it’s more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it’s overwhelming