We hung out with a great group of friends on Saturday night, and it brought up a bunch of emotions in me. Emotions that I haven’t yet processed. How do you process the thought that you may never live in this place again? How do you process the thought of trying to pick up a family of 5, move across the ocean, and yet not know if you’ll ever return? How do you plan for that? We’ve longed for community for so long and it feels a if we’re just getting one here. How do we start that process all over?

I just feel like life has moved into this super hectic pace of our normal life + planing and making major decisions. So as everything feels like it’s gone into super speed, I feel like I just want to move into slow motion. Time goes by far too quickly, and I’m so aware of that right now. I so want to enjoy right where I’m at. Yet that doesn’t mean that I can just sit and do nothing. I have to enjoy today, here where we are, yet also make decisions for another place and time. Honestly, it’s had my emotions all over the place.

People have been asking us if we really are moving to Edinburgh and how long will we be gone. I haven’t done well at answering as it not an easy answer. I don’t want to be blunt and say, “well, due to the cost/hassle of the US Immigration system we probably won’t be coming back.” That leads to a whole conversation that shows me how little people know about immigrating to the US. And even more than that, I just feel like this has been such a hard, very personal, very difficult decision to make. I don’t know how to answer the question of how we can take my kids away from their grandparents. It’s going to be very hard; that’s all I know. So I don’t want to have a short conversation about it. It just brings up too much emotion. Yet at some point, we do need to start talking about. At some point, we need to send our fundraising letters. At some point, we need to fully jump into the we’re here but we won’t be here in a few months way of life. And how do we keep the word from getting over to Mark’s work so that he can keep his job until it’s time for us to leave?

So needless to say, I’m full of questions. And it’s all one step at a time, trusting God to lead us, making sure we stay flexible with all the unknowns, and hoping that our friendships will survived no matter where we move.

And every time I put all of these questions before the Lord, I keep coming back to the mental picture of Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

We’re not facing the fear of death, but we are facing the fear of the unknown, the questions of where will our finances come from, where will we live, will our kids be safe, will all of our visa/passport situations work out, will our house sell, can we get out of debt in time? So many questions. Yet God knows it all. He is not surprised by any of it. He is not clueless. He just asks us to trust Him, walk with Him step by step, and do what He asks us to do with full faith that He willd do the rest. He is asking us to trust that He is preparing a table, a home, a community for us in a new place.

On Saturday night after a fun day of playing with so many kids, enjoying summer, eating lots of watermelon, and just being a kid, my Ezra woke up in the middle of the night terrified and crying so hard that he was shaking. His dad brought him into bed, and my little guy just wrapped his arms around me and hung on tight until all the shaking stopped. He spent the rest of the night right next to me. And as I laid there, I thought about how I just want to cling to my God. I just want to wrap my arms around Him tight and trust Him. He’s my safety and security. He’s my help. And everything good that’s listed above in Psalm 23 is for my family and for me. Our job is to just take hold of it and walk in it. My job is to take courage and to know that my God is with me. He has not called me to go someplace that He is not going. We know that He is directing us to do this, so we have to trust that it’s for our good. He knows the difficulty, the emotions of it, and yet He asks us to move forward with courage.

So in conclusion, my heart is to really enjoy my home, my present situation, my family, and my home state of Colorado. We’ve had such a beautiful summer so far, and I’m just inhaling it. My job is to also not be burdened down by fear or worry, but to submit every question to God and trust He has an answer. And most of all, my job is to take courage and to know that even though our future feels very uncertain, He knows all of it. Just like my children walk with me and hold my hand with perfect trust in my leading of their steps, I can do the same with Him. I’ll leave this with this quote that speaks so much as it’s exactly what I’m wanting to do/be –

“Your courage draws people out of complacency into their destiny.” Bill Johnson

I want to live a life that is fully yielded to my Heavenly Father. One that goes when He says go. One that lays it all on the altar for Him to do with as He pleases. That involves getting out of my comfort zone, leaving the familiar behind, and giving our all to place ourselves in a new community, a new way of life, and a new dependence on Him. It takes a large amount of courage, but if our story helps to spark courage in The Lord for someone, then that is just the icing on the cake.

2 thoughts on “mixed emotions and courage

  1. Hi Micah,

    Just read you blog. It left me with a heavy heart. The part about that maybe you may never come back. I understand that you have so many unanswered questions. Does this have to do with Mark now getting a Visa to live here. Does he lose his green card. I thought he has lived here long enough to get papers to stay in this country. I sure hope he doesn’t loose that. You just don’t know what the future holds. Your parents may need you in 15-20 years. You may have to come back and take care of them. You don’t want to come back without Mark. I learned a very long time ago to never burn my bridges. You never know when you will need to cross back over them. Easier said than done of course.

    This bible school has happened very fast for you. Sounds like you have a peace about leaving. That’s my motto. If you don’t have a peace don’t do it.

    This is what I learned in Sunday school. God first, Family second, church third. God meaning, your relationship, not mission work.

    As for me Micah, I do what I have to do to survive what is happening with my grandson, Rosalinda and Leonard. I am thankful for my daughters and grandchildren. In my situation their is nothing that can replace family.

    I pray that you have total peace when you leave with your three children and you believe they will be fine without there grandparents. Actually, they are young enough too forget. It just makes me sad, because I am a grandma and I know how much your mother has to offer.

    Chandler would never stand in the way of what God has called you to do. So no worries there.

    I’ll be praying for you Micah.

    Eleanor

    1. Hi Eleanor,
      Thanks for reading and for praying. Yes, Mark loses his greencard if we move and don’t return within one year. The paperwork, fees, cost of hiring a lawyer are all keeping us from applying for his citizenship + the fact that he’ll always owe taxes to the US, which I’m not sure that we’ll always want to do. Lots to consider. It took us 2 years to get through the waiting list for a greencard, so the whole process is very daunting. They don’t make it easy to LEGALLY immigrate. Sadly.

      We have total peace about going. So much peace and actual excitement and joy! We know God is directing us, and He will sort out all the details. He’ll even sort out all the visits with the grandparents. 🙂 We’re trusting on that.

      I pray for you, Leonard, and Rosalinda all the time. Trust Him to be your strength and help! He’s good.
      Micah

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