Long story short (and in order to keep some privacy), the last two weeks have consisted of a lot of soul searching, pouring my heart out before God, working things out, asking for help in parenting, and basically, just letting go of a lot. It’s been hard. It’s bad enough to be 8 months pregnant and very hormonal . . . so let’s just say thank the Lord for His grace and patience. And thank the Lord for a husband who just loves me and does his best to stay gracious. 🙂
As I’ve said a million times over the past year, I really feel like God works in us through seasons. And as spring is arriving, it feels like spring is arriving in us as well. We’re not looking at a long, dark, cold winter, but we’re waiting and watching for the trees to bud, the flowers to peak out, and the days to get warm. I often wonder what a tree goes through when it loses all of its leaves and then is just barren for the winter. I know trees don’t have feelings, but I still wonder if that season of losing everything, including all of its beauty, is painful. 🙂 This winter was definitely painful for us, and I definitely feel like a good stripping has occurred. It has most definitely been painful . . .
Last night, Mark and I were eating a late dinner, as normal, and we were in the midst of the very long, painful process of highlighting my hair. So I looked like an alien from Mars as I had my hair through the cap and an old robe on. He looks over at me and says, “how are you doing today?” I said fine. He says, “how are you feeling?” I told him that my back was really hurting, I’ve had a sore throat, and other than that, I’m fine. He goes, “emotionally?” I replied with fine. Then I added “I’m using a verbal filter.” He laughed at that, and then goes “what about a mental filter?” And I said, “oh yes, that too.” He laughed again, and then I explained a recent decision I’ve made. I, the girl that came out of the womb as a dreamer, is not dreaming anymore. I’m taking life day by day; not wishing I’m elsewhere. I’m not wishing we were somewhere else, doing something else, and in a place where things weren’t hard. And even more importantly, I’m trying to not complain about anything (which is majorly hard as I am quite the Negative Nancy). I endured our session of him pulling my hair through the cap without whining or being bossy (can’t say I did that well when it came to the highlighting part and Ryder crying and fussy at the same time), and overall, I haven’t complained or been negative for almost a full week (minus being totally ripped off at the coffee shop yesterday; my coffee shop days are done. Final. No longer in my life.) I just decided to take my mom’s and Mark’s advice, suck it up, and be grateful for what we do have. I’ve also decided to stop trying to be in control. I can’t do one thing to change our circumstances, so I have to just rejoice in it. Mark’s final comment to me (which he actually said twice yesterday) was that I look good. My countenance looks good, and I seem to be healthy and glowing. I guess the outcome of a good mental/spiritual state is a good physical state. 🙂
And to be very, very honest, I feel like a big part of me died over the winter. I feel very far gone from who I used to be. I’ve even given up my very last dream of having a baby girl, and I don’t know if we will have a third baby or not. I’m not going to think about it. I’m just laying it down and not picking it up until the time seems right. It’s really hard to stop dreaming, stop thinking about things I’ve always wanted to do and places I’ve always wanted to see. But for this time, for here and now, it just seems like I need to put all that away. Be present for my family. Do my best with what’s in my hand to do, and maybe gain some balance and perspective. Maybe in another season, God will restore those dreams or give new ones in their place? I don’t know. He and I have had some hard conversations, and I don’t have any answers except for what His Word says and what the Holy Spirit is saying on the inside of me. I just know what I know today, and so I’m doing my best to be content and to make the most of today. The rest will just wait. My hope is that someday, I’ll be a balanced dreamer, and I’ll marvel at how He has restored lifelong dreams of mine. But if not, or if anything else, I’ve got my french cottage in heaven to look forward to, right? 😉