For a while now, I’ve been getting this urge to step out. And I’ve been asking where I’m supposed to step out to. I’ve looked at 50 million opportunities, and yet nothing pops out a tme. I’ve kept my hands to the plow on the Justice Project, even though it feels like participation and involvement is getting less and less. iMy dear JP buddy and I faithfully meet almost every week, yet we have to keep telling each other to not quit, because we know we’re to do this. But where is the fruit and the help?? I was set and ready to teach at the Bible school this year, but that’s been cut down to only one night a week. So it seems like I keep hitting shut doors. Like I’m not stepping out in the right direction. And yet the urge to step out won’t go away. So . . . . what’s a girl to do?
Fall is always a time of new things for us. It seems like things just open up in the Fall. Yet this season hasn’t felt that way. Last weekend was a very busy one for us, and by the time Sunday morning came I was so tired and worn out. The last thing I wanted to do was get up for first service and face a very busy day. I had to give an announcement for a Justice Project event as well, and speaking in front of people is just not my thing. It never has been and probably never will be. By the time I got in the shower and had 5 minutes to pray and think, I had this welling up of emotion in me. And I knew that I was not going to make it through the announcement without bawling. The announcement was to follow a video promotion regarding the charity that our event is going to raise money for, and the charity works to help sex trafficking victims. Over the past year, I’ve learned a lot about the sex slave industry. And I happened to see a picture of a little boy (a bit older than Ryder) in Thailand caught in the sex industry. I have not been able to get that image out of my head. And as I stood up to give the announcement, all I could do was look out at a crowd of people sitting and think why are we sitting here?!! My mind was saying how can we just sit and not do anything? And so I bawled before I could even get a few words out. Thankfully, my dad knows me well and took the attention off me until I could get myself together.
Yet since Sunday, all I can think is “be doers of the Word and not hearers only.” I’m supposed to be doing something. That’s what the stepping out is for, and I am doing a lot. But I just feel that there’s something specific on the horizon. God put something in me that has needed to come out for a long time, and I’m getting closer. Just have no idea what to do or where to step. So I just keep doing what I know to do, and I keep waiting for a divine opportunity or appointment or even some kind of assurance that when I’ve stepped out correctly I’ll know. And I’m just thinking out loud so this is really not meant to make sense to anyone but me . . . 🙂