[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] L[/dropcap]ong story short (refer to previous post for more explanation), our long drive to look at a car was delayed over the weekend, so we were able to go to all three church services to hear the guest speaker for the weekend. And I’m so glad that we did, because it was just what we needed. And I don’t know about you, but I am the type who has to take notes if I’m to remember anything. So I usually write on the back of a church bulletin, paystub, envelope, etc. This weekend, I covered two bulletins and an envelope, and I wish that I had used a notebook as I want to refer to all of my notes regularly. So this post will have to do for cementing it all into my memory . . . and this is actually a solidifying (solidification??) of all that God has been teaching me over the past 6 months or so.
There were so many good things that were said and done, but these are the three that really stood out to me and have been imprinted on my heart:
1.) I am zip. I know nothing, am good at nothing, and have laid down any desire to be something. I have never wanted a fancy house, fancy clothes, or a fancy car, and now, I don’t even care how big our house is or where we live. I don’t care about being in ministry or having a name or a title. I just want to serve and love on people. I want to be God’s hands and feet, even if that means just feeding the homeless, just doing fundraisers to raise awareness for human trafficking victims, or just serving my own family. I’m available to do whatever He asks, and I have no conditions, no ideas of what it should be or not be. I’m just available, and I’m not saying this to brag on my own humility. I really am realizing that I, Micah, in her own self, am nothing and have nothing to offer. All that I am or all that I can do stems directly from Him. At 35 years of age, I am really understanding more of what that means.
My heroes are Heidi Baker and Mother Teresa simply because I love their hearts. They also know/knew that everything stems from Jesus. I love their desire to just love on the unlovable, the hurting, the needy, and the broken, and that desire stems from Him. That’s what I want. God has been filling me with a heart of compassion, and He’s been teaching me to look to Him only as He is all there is. Yet it wasn’t until this weekend that I finally realized that in Him, in His daily presence, in and through my seeking of His heart and face, is where anything of quality exists. I am complete in Him, yet I am also all that He made me to be when I am in Him. Walking outside of Him or without Him is not only frustrating, but it depletes me. Preparation to be or do anything that He’s called me to do comes from time spent in His presence. Simple as that.
2.) Time with Him has to be my number one priority, which means time in the Word and in worship is the first thing that gets scheduled into my day. I can’t just try to fit it in or do some Bible reading whenever I get a few minutes; I have to be deliberate. And I think the thing that really hits this home with me is that my firstborn is reflecting my attitude and my behaviour. So if I’m modeling impatience, anger, frustration, then he is too. It’s not not working. So the changes have to start with me, and therefore, discipline begins with me first. I am not a morning person or a late night person, but I’m going to have to choose one and stick with it. Because my schedule is so busy, and I’m getting more tired by the week as I carry this baby, I’m going to have to cut things out of my day in order to make time. Yet it will be worthwhile. There’s no better choice that I could ever make.
3.) Submission and obedience is key to the Christian walk. I’ve always been one who desires to obey God, but fear and pride can easily get in the way. And I don’t want that anymore. Anyone who knows me well or who goes to our church knows that I can spontaneously erupt into loud crying during worship or prayer time. It’s one very odd, doesn’t fit in with my personality, characteristic that I have. And as I’m aging and maturing, I’m noticing when this loud crying hits and why. It’s an overflow of God’s heart, and it hits me when I feel how He feels. I don’t know how to explain it, and truthfully, I’m done trying to explain it or apologize for it. I’m finally just allowing it and no longer fighting it, because every time it happens, I get more of a heart of compassion for people. So it’s something that God is working in me, yet it just has a very outward result, which is quite humbling. Yet it’s been my desire for so long that God would teach me how to love others that it’s encouraging to know that He is doing it. He is changing this reserved, hold it back lady into one who can sit and cry with the hurting, one who can say, yes, I know exactly, and yes, God loves you anyway. It’s very hard for me to step out into anything, because I feel like I will cry my way through it. Yet I’m realizing that doesn’t matter. God asks us to submit to Him, to His Word, and to His Spirit’s leading. If I look like a fool, who cares? If people think I’m crazy, who cares? I’m required to obey and that’s that. My guidelines are the Word of God and what He says goes. That’s simply the end of the story really.
And lastly, I want to be eternity driven. I told my husband that I would sell everything we own and go out and do whatever He asks us to do at any point. Would it scare me to pieces? Yes. Would I worry about my kids? Probably. Would I shed tears over leaving the house where we brought home our newborns, where we’ve had so many battles, where we’re finally at home? Yes. But it’s just a house. And I have no idea what our future holds; we could live here for the next 10 years or move tomorrow. Either way, I’m okay with it, and it’s so good to be in that spot. It’s good to have set my mind to discipline myself, to follow after Him, to lay down the things that I have thought were important and to just be at His disposal.
So we’ll see what happens . . . all I know is that I have a very clear memory of being a 5 year old, sitting in school, and listening to my teacher tell us about Jesus and why He died for us. My heart immediately responded with “Jesus, if You gave Your life for me, then the least I can do, is give mine back to You.” That’s still my heart. But it’s so easy to let distractions, things that may seem like good ideas, or just pursuits of good things get in the way of pursuing the Best Thing, which is Him. The other day, I heard someone say that if all we get to do in this life is spend time in His presence then that is better than anything we could possible do for Him. I’ve always thought I needed to do things in order to win His approval or to fulfill my calling, but all He’s wanting me to do is spend time with Him. He just wants to be the First in my life. Anything else will flow out of the time spent with Him.
I’m sorry that I’m not articulating any of this clearly, and I hope this does not come across as heavy or discouraging. I am not the least bit discouraged; I’m actually quite excited and looking forward to a new phase in life. I feel like I finally see the answer that was right in front of me all along, so I have a direction to pursue with all that I am. I feel like all the cloudiness, distraction, questions, etc. are gone, and I can see clearly. I’ve got lots of hope and joy and much to look forward to. I look forward to falling in love with Jesus more than I ever have, and I look forward to seeing what He does in both my husband and me as we submit, obey, and follow hard after Him. Spring is coming to the Hayden home as new life will be bursting forth . . . both literally and spiritually.