Unfortunately, when I’m wrestling with things, I don’t sleep. I can go for weeks without sleeping while trying to process things. It’s not great. Yet I don’t fight it anymore. So here I sit at 11pm while Mark has to get up at 4am to go to work so that he can be home by 7:45am to watch the boys while I work from 8 till noon. He’ll then return to work at 12:30 and finish his day. Poopy. Mark has worked a ton over the past week to make up for having Thanksgiving Day off unpaid and to do extra work that was needed at our second cleaning job. And I’ve been with two sick boys while I’ve struggled with a cold and funky stomach. So needless to say, I haven’t been very nice. I’m just feeling yucky in every way.
And I’d love to say that my emotions never get the best of me, but they do. It’s another problem area that I deal with. However, thankfully, I’m at least learning to keep my mouth closed. But it’s an inward, heart battle. So as I mentally argued with myself and my frustration today, and I let it all out before God, I really wanted to just say okay, God, I’m seriously at my limit now. No more. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m tired and I want out. I want to sleep for 5 days straight. And I don’t care about anything else. I’m spent, done, toast. Yet I kept thinking that it wouldn’t matter to Him. He wouldn’t hear me. He’ll just keep piling on the pressure. And it’s just one faith test after another, most of which I fail at. So I’ll just keep taking faith test after faith test until I finally pass . . . and it made me mad. Anger just oozed and oozed. Then I got a reality check and remembered that emotions are emotions. It’s best to just deal with them and remember they’re not reality. God is not a harsh taskmasker who stands over His students and demands perfection. I do that, but He doesn’t do that. Why do I ever think He does?
I’m realizing I have a lot to learn about the God we serve. I’m also realizing that I wrestle with Him a lot. I struggle with submitting in obedience with a right heart. I struggle with understanding what is happening and why. I struggle with the faith walk, because really I tend to wimp out. And even more than that, I’m a constant mental case who’s lifelong scripture will always be “He will keep her in perfect peace because her mind is stayed on Him because she trusts Him.” That’s my version. 🙂 Anytime that my mind is not stayed on Him, I’m out of peace, which is quite often. Sadly. And why is my mind not stayed on Him? Because I’m trying to figure out things in my own way, trying to take care of them myself, trying to do my own thing.
So I have to say this a.) I so look forward to heaven and to just resting. b.) I also have a wholesome fear of heaven and the Lord’s return as I’m not ready. I’m not resting yet when I should be. Again, the book of Hebrews . . . I need to be resting in His promises, His grace, and what He’s already done. I need to be resting in the fact that all of this may be a Refiner’s fire, but it’s not just a life of test after test, all of which I fail at. God is a Patient Teacher, a loving Heavenly Father who just wants a closer walk with Him. And I can at least rest tonight in sleep and dwell on that fact while He sorts out all of my concerns.
And I’m sorry if this blog has turned kind of dark and heavy. I’ve wrestled with a lot of stuff this year. It hasn’t been my best year ever. But God isn’t finished with me yet. 🙂