While Mark was on a missions trip last week, I purposed to have a good growth period with the Lord. I was hoping that both Mark and I would grow while he was gone. And I thought that was accomplished . . . until the ride into church. Then everything blew up, and now I’m back to square one.
As I quickly approach my 34th birthday, I feel like life is basically a lot of hard mountain climbing. There are some joyous mountain top experiences, but usually, it’s a day in and day out choice of choosing to take the next step. And honestly, lately I haven’t wanted to take the next step. I’ve wanted to just stop and forget it. I know that’s not the right attitude, but that’s been my general feeling. Why get up at 6:30 to shower, get the boys up, dressed, and fed, then on to wherever Ryde needs to be for the day, then to work, then to pick Ryder up after, then to cleaning, laundry, playing with the boys, naps, cooking dinner, cleaning up, reading, and hitting the hay. Only to do it all over again the next day. I just haven’t found a lot of joy in the whole thing. I’d rather be touring the globe, living from place to place, showing my kids new adventures every day. I know that’s not realistic . . . where I’m at is realistic.
The tantrums, poopy diapers, spit-up, dirty dog feet, dirty floors, etc. just get to me after a while. I long to be helping people, to be doing one thing in life that is me, that feels like some part of me is getting to fulfill my calling. The endless work, monotony, and doing of things that are just not anything that I love just feels suffocating and lifeless. And before you say anything – I know that being a wife and mother should not feel like that. Those two things are my purpose. I know that. I just would like one additional thing that I get enjoyment/fulfillment from. I don’t know if that will make sense to anyone else, but that’s where I’ve been. I also know that could easily be solved if I would volunteer one afternoon a week or every two weeks. I just need to find the time to do it . . .
So as I’ve been reading “Driven by Eternity,” I’ve just been challenged in thinking that what if Jesus returns tomorrow? What would I say when He asks what I did with my time, how my attitude was, and if I kept a right heart? I’d truthfully have to tell Him that I was not a good steward, I have not done well, and I gave into tiredness. 🙁 That’s a sobering thought. And so my choice has been to rehash this until I can get it into the core of my being:
The Race of Faith
1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
The Discipline of God
3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. 4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. 5 And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:
“ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
6 For whom the LORD loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”[a]
7 If[b] you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? 8 But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. 11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Renew Your Spiritual Vitality
12 Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.
14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; 16 lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. 17 For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears.
I also know that I need to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness and dwell in praise and contentment. I’m working on that. 🙂 This is just an honest, I need to get this all out and process it post. Not a I need help and advice post. Just an honest evaluation of where I’ve been and where I know I need to go. I also know that a lot of people would love to be a wife and a mom. My complaint is not about that. I just had a lot of dreams, desires, goals, etc. that I wanted to fill, and they’ve gotten lost in motherhood. I do feel that moms can be great moms and still fulfill God’s call on their lives. Motherhood doesn’t solely consist of motherhood. For some it does; for others it does not. I hope that makes sense.