[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] I [/dropcap] just have to say that I am so glad that this is to be my last pregnancy . . . granted, according to MY planning, it’s our last. This has been a hard one, and I haven’t had any easy pregnancies. So that says a lot. I’m already battling the fear of labor and delivery, and I still have three more months to go! I hate that old devil of fear. I also hate being big and tired and grumpy. There have been differences for me between carrying boys and carrying a girl; the boys being easier. I won’t list what’s been different, but I will say that I have been far more moody with this pregnancy. Sadly. It doesn’t help that this girl is sitting right in my lap, to the point where I can’t sit on the floor, can’t sit on a hard chair, can’t bend over. So she’s making me a lot more uncomfortable than I usually am by this part of pregnancy. I wish I could give her a good shove and get her to sit higher, but I can’t.
Anyway, so in my moody, exhausted, semi-stressed out state and after serving a dinner of cheese on toast + cantaloupe, I finally laid down as Mark got home in time to finish helping with baths and bedtime. E was beyond tired as well, so he laid with me while R did story time. Then they traded places, and I got a few minutes of just quietly laying with both and enjoying their sweetness. I love looking at my boys’ beautiful faces, and I’m sorry that I’m just not able to keep up right now. Sorry that I’ve yelled more, been more impatient, more tired, and less together than usual. I’m thankful that they’re really into cheese sandwiches, cheese on toast, and cheese on anything really as that has helped so much with my tiredness and not being able to keep up with making dinner every night.
When my husband finally finished bedtime, he brought in a load of laundry to fold, and we chatted while he sorted laundry. (MARRY A GOOD MAN!! Not just because he’ll do laundry, but because hard times require the qualities needed of a good man.) We discussed our car situation/dilemma/debacle, and I expressed some of the emotions that I’ve been wading through. I also got some things off my chest that have really been affecting my mood, and he kindly listened. He gave good advice and encouragement as well. We discussed all of the changes that are coming with the addition of the new baby, which means that there are things we’re not excited about as we’re not new parents anymore. So we know to anticipate the sleepless nights, exhaustion, having to adjust to a new member and new routine, but we will have two other little ones who will be adjusting also. It’s scary for all of us. I don’t know who will adjust well, how we’ll cope with my returning back to work after one month of maternity leave, how we’ll do school drop offs, finding sitters, grocery shopping with three little ones, etc. At this point, we don’t even know what car will hold us all! We don’t know how any of this will go, but we know we’re already tired. It’s hard to find perspective when you’re tired. We know we’ll feel much better by Christmas time when we’ve had a few months to adjust and get into a routine that works for all of us, but that feels a long way away.
And truthfully, April has been a hard month. We need a physical/mental vacation. Just being honest . . . we’re all on our last nerve.
And this is where faith gets tested, doesn’t it? This is where the rubber meets the road, and you either get overwhelmed by what everything appears to be or you look at the Word and what HE says it is. It’s the moment of putting on blinders, putting in ear plugs, and getting your face set like a flint. It’s God’s way or . . . discouragement, frustration, lack, and the not ideal life. It’s one step at a time of moving forward in faith; even if it feels like the steps are so hard and so slow. We still have to move forward. And in all truthfulness, it’s not even us who does it. It just takes simple faith. It just takes a heart that says God, we have no idea what we’re doing, we have no provision, no answers, and a lot of scary, uncertain things ahead. We need wisdom, provision, and a giant amount of help as we’re tired. Then we rest. That’s the hard part – the resting. And that’s where we are.
So all I know is this: God is good. He never fails. He always cares. He is trustworthy. He has heard our prayers. He is faithful. He is Jehovah Jireh, our Provider. He is Jehovah Rapha, my Healer. He is I AM. Meaning HE is all that we need. And even more than that, He has adopted us in as sons and daughters as co-inheritors through Christ. I’m HIS daughter!! He’s not too busy for me. He’s not hard or harsh. He’s already provided everything through Jesus. I just have to rest, dwell, hide in His Secret Place for He prepares a table for me in front of my enemies (lack, fear, worry, sickness). He says, “Micah, come and eat. Come enjoy ME!! Fellowship with Me, talk with Me, rest with Me.” He is enough. And that’s enough for me to know in order to just rest and know that He will work it all out. Everything we need, every question we have, every decision we need to make, everything will come together in the right timing. Our steps are ordered by the Lord, and we delight in Him. We tune out everything that’s yelling at us to try and distract us, and we just say no, we’re dwelling with Him. He’s where we’re at. It’s all about Him, and it always will be all about Him. And He is our joy and peace no matter the circumstance . . .