For the past 3 years, Mark and I have really been tested in the area of finances. It’s been a trying, testing, sometimes grueling time as it has really worked on our patience, our nerves, and our ability to trust the Lord. For me, it’s been a time of fighting off frustration as we work so hard and see so little fruit (in the natural). I have days where I also fight resentment that we can’t afford to fix the basics in our house, let alone decorate it. I have days when I fight jealousy and envy that other families get to enjoy weekends while we’ve spent the last 2 years at cleaning jobs every single weekend. I fight exhaustion, and I fight tears when I watch my husband silently and patiently endure. I also fight to keep my mouth shut as some days I just lose it and let anger explode out of me and onto him. He patiently tells me that it isn’t fair for me to take it out on him. And I know that and feel even worse afterward. It’s really stretched my flesh as my flesh tends to be negative and doubtful; my flesh tends to feel like there’s no hope. Yet we don’t live in the flesh; in fact, we’re to get rid of the fleshly attitudes, mindsets, and behaviors.
So this year, I determined to make a change. We’ve taken classes on budgeting, we diligently stayed out of debt, we bought a house that we could afford, we’ve increased our giving, and yet we still struggle. My hours at work have been cut in half (which is both a blessing and a curse), and Mark has seen very little pay increase at his job. So as we’ve been diligent to do all that we know to do, we’ve watched our income go down, not up. And a few weeks ago, it hit me that it was time for us to put our foot down and say NO MORE! This is not God’s perfect plan for us, and we’re not going to sit by and just struggle. Mark and I both have dreams and desires for our lives and our family, and a lack of finance is not going to stop us. So even though we face obstacles and a lot of things that seem to say that we can’t get out of where we’re at, we are going to believe and trust for better. I have determined within me to begin to change how I think, what I say, and what I allow. I’m not settling for less than the best, and I’m not going to allow my mouth to get me in trouble anymore. (Easily said than done, but I’m at least headed in the right direction.)
And can I just tell you that even in the midst of what seems impossible, it feels so good to simply trust God! It’s not easy, and most days are quite scary, but I am determined. So I daily remind myself how God turned the impossibility of Mark’s visa situation around and made it possible for Mark to be granted a greencard. I remind myself of how (in the natural) we had no way to pay for the birth of Ryder or anything having to do with another mouth to feed, and yet God has provided so much for Ryde. He poured in blessing on and for our son, and I am so thankful for that. Every time I look at Ryde, I just think he is such a gift to us, and through the favor that God has poured on him, we are blessed. I’m reminded of how we had no way to even be able to purchase airline tickets in order for us to make the move back to the US, but yet again, God provided. His history is that He always comes through. He is more than able to take care of us. He is more than able to work out our job situations; He is more than able to make a way for me to be home with my children. He is more than able to provide for us to spend weekends together in order to rest as a family. And He is more than able to provide the means necessary for us to fulfill the call that He’s put on our lives. My husband will not spend the rest of his life working his rear off only to see little pay, long hours, and no fulfillment from his work. I am trusting for more than that, because I know God’s heart for us. A
So as we align ourselves with Him, we can wait in expectancy, full of hope and faith that He is indeed able. And on that, I am resting. 🙂