[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] F[/dropcap]or some reason, both Ryder and I had nightmares last night, and I can’t figure out why. I’m very visually sensitve, and seeing how much like me he is, we’re figuring that he is as well. But with all of our time being taken with installing laminate, we’ve not had any time to watch movies or read. Ryder and Ezra have been watching old DVDs while we work, and so they haven’t seen anything new or unusual. But my dreams were very disturbing, and I’ve been trying to shake them off all morning. I’ve been hoping that Ryder’s weren’t along the same vein as mine . . . so along that thought, I feel the need to process some things that have been on my heart for quite some time.

Over the past several months, I’ve been pondering the idea of how to step out and do something with my voice, my hands, my feet, and my heart. I don’t want to just exist. I want to make my life count. And I have a heart to help people, especially the ones who cannot help themselves. I so want to volunteer at our local pregnancy center as that seems to be the perfect fit for me, but I can’t commit to the training period with my work schedule. So that is on hold. We’ve been doing a lot of research into human trafficking with our little ministry, the Justice Project, but it’s been slow going. There are lots of organizations that already do a great job, so we don’t want to reinvent the wheel. Yet we know we’re supposed to find our niche. And then there’s the subject of orphans. Every day, when I hold my boys, I picture unloved children and someday having the chance to hold them and kiss their heads. That’s my heart. Yet a move to Africa or Eastern Europe or China is not in the plans right now. So what can I do now from my small town? That questions haunts me.

Writing, becoming an advocate, raising awareness, and encouraging others to get involved all seem like the only answers. But what are the ways to do those things? I’m still wondering that. I’d love to have a small office in my home where I could research, become an advocate, be a voice, and use my computer to reach so many. I’d love that. I’m just not there yet due to many reasons.

I’ve been reading/thinking a lot about intimacy with God. Dwelling on the thought that it’s not a question of “God, what would you have me do?” But instead, it’s about sitting with Him. Sitting on His lap, listening to His heart, getting to know Him and His ways. I read this great illustration that talked about how parents bond with their newborns and create intimacy with them during the first year of life as they hold them, love on them, let them sleep on their chests, learn their heartbeat, learn their cry, and quickly recognize their needs. It’s the same for us and Father God. If we live that closely with Him, we will respond to His heart and His voice as we will know it so well. Over the past several months, my dad has taught a lot on the fact that Jesus only did/said what His Father instructed Him to. His will was so tightly intertwined with the Father’s that He moved as the Father would. All of that stems from intimacy with Father God. It’s a direct correlation between submission to Him, listening, and obeying. And I know that is vital in order to live a life that fully pleases Him and makes full use of the talents that He’s entrusted us with.

So that’s where it’s at. And I just worked my way through to my answer. Forgive me for posting as this is probably mostly for my benefit . . . but maybe for someone else’s as well.

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