I’m just going to start this by saying if you’re not committed to going to your local church and making a purpose to be there as much as you can, then you can’t expect to grow much. You’ll miss out on a whole lot if you’re not there . . .

Yesterday was a very long day, and it ended with Mark running Ryder over to the closest hair cutting place while Ezzy and I ran over to Wal-mart to buy formula. Ryder has had many, many haircuts in his short life. I trimmed his hair myself until he got to the point where it needed shaping, and I’m not that talented. So he now goes to get hair cuts on a regular basis, and it’s traumatizing for all involved. Unfortunately, we got a lady who had no patience and made no effort to try to cut my son’s hair, and he left the shop looking like his hair had been cut by garden shears. It was short, jagged, and totally not worth $12. It was awful. And all the other hair salons had already closed, so we were stuck. Truthfully, it bummed me out as Ryder has beautiful hair. So Hav, my mom, and I tried to sort him out. And by the end of the evening, he looked okay. Not great, but okay. I was very, very tempted to just stay home from church the next morning as I didn’t want to hear anyone’s comments about his hair . . . shame on me, I know. But as a pastor’s kid, you expect to hear comments. Even at 33 years of age.

Mark and I then didn’t have a great morning getting ready for church, and we were yet again late for the service. But we went anyway as we always do. And today’s service featured a special speaker. Long, long story short, I went up afterwards to ask for prayer, and after sobbing my heart out (again!!), she shared some things with me. Things that only another pastor’s kid would be able to share with another. Things that only another mom would understand as well. But two things really stood out –

a.) Regardless of who my parents are, how godly they are, what their callings are, etc., my heritage begins with Father God. It’s only His expectation that I’m required to answer to. I’m only responsible to Him as my Heavenly Father. His level of perfection is all that matters, and He doesn’t expect perfection from me.

b.) We have to guard our hearts in all things. I have struggled since having my kids. Struggled with wondering why their labor and deliveries were so stinkin’ hard!! Struggled in that I couldn’t breastfeed either of them. Struggled in that I felt like a horrible mom as I didn’t enjoy the first month of Ryder’s life while recovering from a c-section and learning to be a mom. Struggled with disappointment in not being able to stay home with my babies. Struggled with the fact that I was hoping for a girl and got 2 boys . . . neither of whom I would ever trade for a girl as I love them so much and am thankful that they’re who they are. But just struggled with the fact that everyone else seems to have an easy time with things and seems to see their desires fulfilled while I always struggle. I waited for ages to meet my husband, then waited ages for him to get a visa, then had to be an “older” mom, now am I working mom when I never wanted to be. And I let all of that build and build. I spent a lot of time comparing my life to others and saying Lord, why didn’t I get that? Why can my dreams never come true?

I fell into the devil’s trap and let him suck my joy. I didn’t guard my heart. I just determined to try harder, which only made things worse. I can’t work to win love, acceptance, approval, or perfection. It only backfires. God isn’t a mean God who gives to those who do well and takes from those who don’t. God just honors faith and just wants to bless His kids. Obedience and childlike faith bless His heart. I lost sight of that.

So as I got to cry my heart out today and pray with another pastor’s daughter, I saw myself as I have been and saw myself as I want to be. I saw God’s heart for me. And He doesn’t hold any condemnation for me. He just wants me to draw closer. He wants me to trust Him regardless of what things look like, and He does want to give me the desires of my heart. Yet He also wants me to rejoice with those who get the things that I wanted. I can rejoice with them knowing that He knows and He’ll answer.

And as hard as it is for me to trust and to be vulnerable and say okay, Lord, I’ll just believe and receive, it’s much easier than striving away to be frustrated and unfulfilled. It’s much easier to only care what He thinks rather than to care what everyone else thinks. I have a 50 pound load of weight off my shoulders, and shockingly enough, I’m actually excited about my life. I feel like I have a new lease on it, and as my father-in-law would say, “boy, that is good!!” Thank the Lord that we were at the right place at the right time today. Oh, and by the way, one dream of mine is to minister to other pastor’s kids . . . that got stirred up again today. 😉

One thought on “goodness

  1. My friend, we all have our struggles. Your struggles may be different but that doesn't mean others have it any easier even if it feels like it. I'm sorry, I really am, if I've contributed to you feeling like life is always perfect and rosey. It isn't. Least mine isn't. I struggle every…single….day! Very often I feel like the worst wife, the worst daughter, the worst friend and above all … well, the most I struggle with and feel a lot of guilt with is feeling like I'm the world's worst mom! Honestly?I am downright ugly. I sing the songs as a prayer from my innermost being ALL the time "You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me" and "Without You I am nothing". It is a cry from deep within me at the frustration I feel. I can reeaally relate to Paul in Romans 7:18 "And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway". This is soooo frustrating and disappointing for me. I struggle to understand God's grace when I see the true ugliness I am. Anyway, all of that to say that we all have our struggles and I struggle not to fall into the devil's trap and allow him to suck the joy out of my life when faced with my daily failures. I am praying and crying out to God, reading "Having a Mary heart in a Martha World" and "I used to be so organized" all in a cry to learn to rest & be at peace in who I am in Christ without feeling the need to have everything in my life perfect. I don't know if I've made any sense to you but that is what was stirred up in me when I read your blog and I just wanted you to know that that is my struggle every single day. Love you Mic.

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