[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] I [/dropcap] know I haven’t posted much about our trip to France and England, and that’s been for one reason: I’ve been trying to process some things that were stirred up in my heart. It’s not easy to share with people how my heart is so divided between two places. It’s not easy to explain that Longmont is not my home; the United States is no longer even what I consider home. It’s my history, it’s my birthplace, it’s the source of my roots, but it is not home. My heart lies in Europe. And I don’t know if by Europe I mean that it’s England, or Scotland, or France. I have an idea, but I don’t have specifics. Nor is my life my own; I don’t get to just say, “Hey guys! We’re moving to Europe.” I have 3 other people’s lives to consider, and I’m in submission to my God first and my husband second. My husband has dreams, goals, talents, giftings, and a calling. Our lives our linked together, which means that we both pray and seek what God has for us as a couple and for us as a family. So that’s a process. It’s a process that we’re deeply in. We also have family who are greatly invested in our lives here; I don’t take them for granted. I want my kids to know their family, but I also want them to know both sides of their family. We also have debts and responsibilities here to consider. And we’re very aware that life works in seasons, so for this season, Longmont is our physical home as we pay off debt. We do our best to be as present here as we can. However, I don’t just ignore the tuggings on my heart. I prayerfully consder them even though I have no idea what the outcome will be. I also prayerfully consider the needs of my family, and I realize that my heart’s tuggings may not be theirs. I don’t know how it all works or what the outcome will be; I may not know until we’re old and gray and can look backward.

I also know that our trip abroad made us deeply consider the question of whether or not to add to our family. Are we a family of 4 or could we possibly be a family of 5? We know that we’ll be traveling overseas again and again as long as half our family is located in Britain. We are greatly aware of how costly it is to fly such a long distance. We’re also very aware of the cost of just maintaining passports for 4 people. We’re in the midst of saving to renew Mark’s passport, which is twice the cost of an American passport due to the pound being worth so much more than the dollar. Britain is so much more costly than the US, simply due to the weakness of the dollar, and it affects our decisions. The cost weighs on my mind all the time. We have recent experience of how difficult it is to travel with little ones; yet they won’t be little for long. Yet how would we travel with 5?

Babies, adoption, orphans, all of it has been on my  heart a lot lately. Yet I don’t know why. I open this to read or stop to look at that and ADOPTION and ORPHAN stare at me from random places. Is it just coincidence? I don’t know; again, my decisions aren’t just about me. They affect 3 other lives. So I’ve been watchfully praying. I go about my day, doing my responsibilities, staying busy, yet keeping my heart open and aware. And I don’t share any of this lightly. These are my pearls that I don’t want to cast before swine . . . yet they’re bubbling up and over to the point where it’s hard to keep it contained anymore. I’m needing to process all of this.

So I’m watching and waiting. That’s just really where it’s at. Expecting that my Father God knows the answers to all of these things, knows that I’ve carefully placed these questions in His hands, and knows that I need His wisdom. And I confidently wait while knowing that He is answering. I give Him my pearls and expect that He’ll take great care of them and return them in whatever form they need to be.

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