As most of my good friends and family know, I tend to see the glass as half empty. I’m not proud of it, I don’t do it intentionally, nor do I purposely look for faults in things. It’s just the natural me. Part of it is that when I look at something I see everything. And I can always see how it can be improved. I always view things as works in progress (hence the title of the blog). However, I’ve also struggled with stress and anxiety. Worry comes naturally to me as well. My dad was giving me scriptures to combat fear when I was like 5 years old, and I used to lay in bed and quote them over and over when I was little. It’s sad really. I think of my shy, quiet little self lying in bed and repeating over and over “God has not given me a spirit of fear, God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” “Fear not for I am with thee, be not dismayed for I am thy God . . . ” “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
My big girl self still struggles with those things; just in a bit of a different way. Yet in many ways, I’ve also conquered a lot of my fears. My stress level has gone down in areas, and I’m more positive than I used to be. However, when you’ve built a reputation for being one way, it’s hard for others to see that you’ve changed or that you are changing. It’s a tad frustrating really. I feel like I’m in a place where I really filter everything that I say. If I somehow drop my guard and let something out, then I kick myself for allowing something non-positive out. Or if I have a day that was basically pretty junky and frustrating, then I’m not allowed to talk about it. So I just sit in frustration until I’ve had time to deal with heart issues and heart frustration and vent it all out to the Lord. And I do feel better once He and I have dealt with it. Yet I’m still a work in progress. Still a bit of an ugly canvas as I’m a picture that’s half done, and most can’t see what the Painter is doing. So I’m guarded, self-conscious, and a bit lonely really. I’m very aware of who I can talk to and what I can say, and that’s a sad place to be.
So as I type this and wait for young Ezra to arise out of his sleep for his feeding, I’m just wondering where the balance is. When is it okay to just say, hey, I’m frustrated. This, this, and this are frustrating situations. And when is it okay to say yeah, this part of life is not working. But yes, this area, this area, and this area are working and are going really well. Or I’m really not happy about this right now, but I know it will get better. Maybe that’s the key – always adding something positive at the end? Or maybe for serious head cases like me the key is that I always, always, always have to be renewing my mind. My head gets me in a lot of trouble, so I have to deal with it in a way that’s serious and concentrated. I have to purposely not allow anything but those things that are true, noble, right, pure, and lovely to cross my heart and mind. Or in other words, I have to really surrender and yield to the Holy Spirit. I have to let the water of the Word wash over me and re-create my old mindset. And I do have to just relax in Him knowing that He is my one true Friend, and I can confide in Him, vent to Him, and trust that He knows my heart.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to write a negative blog, just needed to be honest with myself and others.