[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] N[/dropcap]ot sure how many of you watch “Downton Abbey,” but I just got caught up on the show this past Saturday afternoon. Yikes. I had mixed emotions while watching it as it dealt with pre-eclampsia and c-sections; both of which I had with my firstborn. I always thank the Lord that Ryder was born here in this country and in this technological age, or he and I would not have survived to see his birth. I also thank the Lord for such great mid-wives who were able to calmly and wisely deal with all the complications that came out of nowhere during the last month of my pregnancy with Ryde. And after his birth, I thought that would be the end of all of that . . . I had no idea that my medical history would follow me until present day.

Long story short, I spoke with our health insurance company on Friday afternoon, and that resulted in speaking with a nurse who had to rehash all the details of both pregnancies and all the complications of both children’s births. Then she informed me that I am now what they consider high risk due to a.) my history with pre-eclampsia and b.) my advanced maternal age (as of 8 days from now). This is after a slew of tests and rehashing all of the above with my mid-wife at my last prenatal appointment. The mid-wives are always very encouraging, very helpful, very positive. This lady was none of the above. I got off the phone feeling very ugh. I told my husband that I really regretted speaking with her, because I don’t need to be reminded to constantly check my blood pressure, to constantly be aware of the fact that my uterus is scarred and could rupture, to know that my placenta was retained and could do so again, or to know that due to my age, baby could have complications. And in fact, I refuse to get into fear about any of that. I firmly belive that fear + pregnancy + childbirth = nothing good. And I’ve fought all of that through 3 pregnancies. Every time I pick up my Bible, I see verse after verse that clearly states “do not fear,” “be anxious for nothing,” and “let not your heart be troubled.” And when we first found out that we were expecting this baby, I told my husband that I would not get into fear that any of the past complications would occur with this one. I refuse to be fearful about labor and delivery, and even though I am required to sit through meetings with doctors regarding my c-section history and the risks that come with another attempted VBAC, I am not going to be fearful about my chances. It doesn’t do any good, and it’s not easy to be fear/worry free. I have had to fight to keep my fear free state, but I’m determined to not worry or fret. The conversation with the nurse on Friday just made me stronger in my resolve.

And I will also add that I felt the baby move about a week and a half ago, and since then, I haven’t felt anything. My mind says, “why?! Why no movement?” And I remind myself that I’m still only 15 weeks, which is early to feel the baby; I’m a very busy lady who very rarely sits still, which could be another factor. But regardless, I’m not letting a fear of what if in. No way. It’s not worth it to my peace and to both my health and the baby’s. So I’ve been reminding myself of this scripture on a daily basis as I pray over baby –

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

I remind myself that my sweet pea is being knit together by a Heavenly Father who is a perfect Creator. He does all things well, and I trust my baby’s health to Him. I remind myself that I am a daughter of God, and He is faithful to watch over me. I am safe in the palm of His hand. So I also dwell a lot in Psalm 91. I hide in my Secret Place under His wings, and I bring baby with me. That’s the best place for this mama and her sweet pea, and it’s the best way to fight off anything that the enemy may try to bombard me with.

2 thoughts on “fear or trust?

  1. I just want to add…. God is faithful and sometimes all we need to do is trust him. Doesn’t that sound simple?! That’s half the challenge. God knows you and how much you can handle, he won’t ever give you anything to deal with that you can’t handle, phew! But it might be hard sometimes.
    But at the end (and beginning ) of the day, trust The Lord with all your heart and might. God doesn’t want you to fear. Take a day at a time and be thankful (which I’m sure you are)
    Enjoy 🙂

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