So as my husband will tell you, I have not handled this situation of taking my child to work very well. I’m very, very grateful to have a wonderful boss who allows us to bring our kids to work. But it has not been easy; it was never my dream to be a working mom.
Transitioning to motherhood, then very quickly to working with baby at work has been quite a challenge for me. As the mom of a newborn, it was somewhat easier in that Ryde slept a lot. So I could get my work done while he slept. Then when he hit the phase of him being able to go in an exersaucer or being able to bounce all day, I could just move him around from one play thing to the next. It got trickier as he started to crawl and become much more aware of his environment. Now with a walking toddler, who is active, intelligent, independent, and curious, it’s become a daily battle. Ryde fights me every time I put him in the car. He wants to be home and wants to play outside with Zoyz. Anything else is not great, and he lets me know that. When we’re at the office, he only wants to type on my computer. I’ve literally corrected him a thousand times when it comes to computer usage. If it’s not the computer, then it’s the phone. And if it’s not either of those, then he’s not happy. And if he ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy . . . as his temper tantrums are no fun. Our co-workers have the patience of saints.
So my daily prayer has been for grace and endurance. I do have to work and get a good amount of things done every day. Yet I also have a child who wants attention, wants to play, needs to eat, needs his diaper changed, needs interaction, etc. So it’s been quite the balancing act. My only day off from work is Saturdays, so I try to make that a fun day for Ryder. But because we also work on Sundays, I also have things that have to get done on Saturdays. So our fun days don’t always happen. By the time Mark gets home from work around 7pm, I very gladly hand Ryde over to him so that he can bathe him and get him ready for bed while I get some quiet time to make dinner. Cooking is my only release right now. So I cook quite a bit . . . 🙂
And honestly, what has been even harder is that most people don’t understand why I have to work and how I can possibly get anything done with him at my work. They think that it should be obvious that I either stay home with Ryde or put him in daycare. But unfortunately, staying home is not an option right now. And I would be devastated if I put Ryder in daycare. Not that there aren’t good daycare options out there (I have looked and explored our options), but I feel like a part of me would die if I put him in daycare as I waited so long to become a mom. I want to be with my child. Yet the more active (and strong willed) he becomes, the harder it is to work.
I’m not a woman who has dreams of having a career or who even wants to work anymore. I’ve worked since the age of 16, which is half my life now, so I’m ready to be done. I want to just enjoy motherhood. Yet we need a miracle in order for me to be done. So every morning, I talked to God about the miracle that we need. And some days, I have a very bad attitude and feel like it will never happen. Other days, I am pumped, thankful, encouraged that it will happen. But for the most part, the faith walk is just that for me. A step by step, place one foot in front of the other, just keep on keeping on kind of walk. I know God’s heart is that we no longer struggle financially, that we enjoy life, that we be fruitful and multiply. I know that in my head; it’s just been a struggle to get that in my heart. It’s been a struggle to stop looking at our circumstances.
And in the meantime, as time flies by, I really, really want a second baby as my body clock is ticking quite loudly. Yet we need our miracle . . . so over the past few months, I’ve really been looking at faith, what it is, how you walk in it, how you get your miracles. And last night as I was reading a bit of Kenneth Hagin, something finally sunk deep into me. Faith is acting as if you’ve already got what you’re believing for. Hope is future tense, but faith is present tense. I’ve been in hope, not faith. So with God’s help, I’m shutting my mouth, not allowing any more negativity, no longer acting like my future is way down the line, no longer looking at our circumstances, but I’m getting into faith mode. I’ve got my miracle, and I will thank God for it every day until I see it manifest in my life.
This blog is my confession of what I’m believing for. It’s no longer when Lord, when? It’s thank You, Lord, for what You’ve already done!!