Why is it that the hardest part of pregnancy is the end? My hips hurt, my belly looks like something from another planet (dark green veins, red rash, giant stretch marks, and enormous), my legs hurt every night, and I can’t seem to focus on anything for more than 2 minutes at a time. Ugh . . . . can I just move to my own private island for the next 4 weeks and just not deal with anything but let my belly soak in something cool? It’s taking a giant amount of concentration to try to work, get the house clean (which it’s not), take care of a toddler, etc. Baby’s room is not ready; Hubby has to feel totally neglected. 🙁 And Zoya has decided to do her big yearly molt right now. So hair is everywhere. We vacuum, and a minute later all the hair is back. I’m praying she’s finished before Ezra comes. And Zoya is also feeling neglected . . . oh the days of a dog’s life . . . And did I mention that Ryder is getting his molars? The one highlight of that is that he slept on my lap for quite a while yesterday. I just sat and looked at him, gazed at him, prayed over him, and tried to not think about how badly I needed to pee. 🙂 21 months has gone so fast, and I never want to forget the little person he is right now. He is learning so many words, trying so many new things, and growing up by the minute. I’m trying to let him be his independent little self, but we have our moments where my independence and his clash. Regardless, he’s going to be a great big brother. And I’ve veered off track . . . So as I was running late this morning (after a long night of no sleep), rushing to get out of the house, and finally getting in the car and on our way to work, it dawned on me that I’m physically expecting (very much so) yet not spiritually expecting. I’ve worked on my attitude to the point where it’s accepting of everything but almost too much. If that makes sense . . . ? On Monday night, we had a very exciting meeting regarding an outreach opportunity in Longmont. It got my blood rushing, my brain going, and my heart stirred in excitement. Then it dawned on me, that I have no time. There’s no time for me to get involved like I want to. And again, a little voice nudged me with “are you in faith?” No, I’m not. I’m okay with everything and making the most of it, but I’ve not got enthusiasm, much hope, or any expectation. I’m just a numb version of Micah walking around. And granted, the big belly with the baby growing in it and the amount of work and hormones my body is producing could be a big part of it. But I want to be in expectant faith every day of this life. I want to be hoping every day. I want to be honoring Him by at least pursuing the things He’s put on my heart. Even if the waiting (expecting) can at times feel torturous and not worth the effort. That’s where I want to be; not here.
PS – for some reason I’m losing my spacing every time I post a blog. So it’s just one mass of thoughts . .