Mark had to work yesterday while I had the day off. So he headed to work early, while I got up with the boys. Ryde woke up in the worst mood possible, and the doctor rang to say that they had canceled the tests that I had scheduled for Thursday and needed to reschedule. I could reschedule for Tuesday (today) or for sometime next week. Hello, a working mom with two little ones has a hard enough time scheduling anything, let alone a two hour appointment. So I called around to see who could watch my kids while Ryde threw one fit after another. At 2.5 years old, Ryder could be the poster boy for the “terrible two’s”. I almost dread having to do the grocery shopping or any public outing with him as he’s just in a mood. Even worse, he threw his biggest temper tantrum last night as I was trying to put him to bed, so we skipped books, stories, etc only to do prayers and bed. My heart hurt for my son as I don’t know what goes on in his little being. And afterward, as I sat on the couch trying to unwind and trying to get the hole in his blanket patched, I just felt like the worst mom ever. I know all moms go through that, but when you have a very strong willed child, you realize that you’re quite clueless on how to parent. If I only had Ezzy or a bunch of children like him, life would be a breeze. Ezra is rarely unhappy, he’s quite content to teach himself anything and everything (he’s now fully crawling!!), and he’s just so laid back and easy going. Give him a bunch of puffed cereal, and he could be entertained and eat for hours. I’m so thankful to God that I got one laid back child as two strong willed ones might put me over the edge . . .
And let me just say this – Ezra is not my favorite child or the perfect child; he’s just easy (and not two). I have such a heart for Ryder; I LOVE my firstborn. He’s so creative, curious, smart, funny, and so loving. I just don’t know how to handle this phase that he’s in . . . and hopefully, it’s just a phase.
So this morning, I got up before the sun rose; shocking to actually look out the shower window and it be dark. I got everyone’s lunches ready, got dressed, got the boys clothes ready, etc., then I went and woke both boys up and told Rydey that we had a big day as he is going to school today. That went over like a lead balloon. Mark tried to help to get Ryde excited; we made sure that the newly patched up blanket made it to the car with us. I drove to his school, got Ezzy out, and walked Ryder in to his class. The place was chaos with everyone starting classes today. They showed me wear to put Ryde’s backpack, lunch, coat, etc. Then they told me to feel free to go into the class with him. Ryder was bawling his head off, clinging to me, and telling me “no doctor!”. So I was telling him goodbye, trying to hold Ez, and get Ryde pealed off me when one of the teachers comes over and says, “I’ll just hold him for a while.” I said that I would appreciate that. And as I was kissing him and telling him a final goodbye, the other teacher looks over and says, “Mom, you should get going now. We have your phone number and we’ll call if we need anything, but you should get going.” I just looked at her like wow, you have no sensitivity at all, and then I got up and left. She hollered after me, “well, okay, we’ll see you later!” And I could have cried as I walked out and listened to my son wail.
I then went through my usual thought process of if I didn’t work, I wouldn’t have to leave him. If our lives weren’t chaos, maybe he wouldn’t feel so chaotic. And if it doesn’t get better than this by the end of the month, then I’m taking him out. Motherhood is hard. Nothing tugs on your heart like your kids.
And so I headed to work, loved a little bit extra on Ezzy, and faced my day. I don’t get to pick Rydey up as I have to head to the doctor, and I won’t get to see him until after my appointment is over. I’m dreading this appointment like nothing else, but I figure it can’t be as bad as leaving my boy. And I’m sure that 15 minutes after I left, Ryder was playing and tear free. So it was probably far more traumatic on me than him. And the tests that I have to do at the doctor’s office will be that way too; trauma for a few minutes, then all will be over. It’s just one more thing to endure and after childbirth I know that I can endure anything. It’s just not the way I thought this new year would start!!
So I thank the Lord for His help as I need it in all areas, and I know that He’ll show Mark and me how to love our boy and raise him well. I know that he will grow up into a good man, and there are lots of ways in which his strong will will benefit him in life. He just might cause his mom a few more gray hairs before then. 🙂 And I thank the Lord that He holds my hand and goes with me as I face the doctor and as I face this new year. Tomorrow will be better than today . . . 🙂