This past year has been a hard one. It’s probably obvious from my posts throughout this year, but in case it hasn’t been obvious, I’ll just flat out tell you that I’ve struggled through 2011. Recently, I’ve had quite a few meltdowns. Ryder and I have a lot in common right now . . . 🙂 I think that tiredness, stress, going too much, working too hard, not resting or exercising all have a lot to do with it as my general mood has been pretty sour. The faith walk has felt like a faith mountain climb on most days. And honestly, Ezzy’s little smile and sweet face is what keeps me going through the endless to do lists of each day.
Thankfully, we’ve had a very pleasant interruption to normal life by having Mark’s parents out visiting us for the past two weeks. It’s always a joy to see them. And it was nice to have a few days off from real life to just spend time with family. I love watching my kids interact with their grandparents.
However, I’ve continued to have meltdowns. And truthfully, I’ve wondered if John and Mary have noticed that their daughter-in-law is a bit different from the last time they saw her. Granted, two years is a long time to go without seeing someone, so lots of change happens in that time. But you always hope that it’s good change. I fear that in my case it hasn’t been so good . . . a tired, stressed, frazzled, unhappy daughter-in-law is not a good change. And they’ve seen some ugly me back in the days of newly transitioning to married life and living in Britain life. They’ve seen more than most . . .
And I’m going to bunny trail a bit – several years ago, I took a full year to read the book of Hebrews as I knew that I needed to learn to “rest” in the Lord. It hit me again this week that it’s time to return to Hebrews. Every morning, I let my alarm clock give me about three alarms before I actually get out of bed, and most mornings, I lay and cast all my concerns upon the Lord before I get up. While I was doing this recently, I felt like the Lord asked me to list everything that I allow to be a burden. What exactly are the things that keep me from being joyful? And honestly, I had a pretty good list. There are some major concerns, major issues, major decisions. Fair enough. But then I felt like He asked if I could still rest in and amongst these things. Could I still trust that even though I’m staring at a mountain the mountain is actually not too big for my God? Could I trust Him for an eternal perspective rather than a here and right now perspective? And could I take some time to seek His heart and His answer to my problems?
Obviously, my answer is yes.
So as my heart is heavy with saying goodbye to my parents-in-law and not knowing if or when we’ll see them again (Mark’s dad turns 80 next year), I again turned it all over to Him and let Him take my tears and frustration. In the natural, there are no good solutions or answers to the issues that I see. But in the spiritual, there is a perfect answer, and He already has it. So I yield, I trust that I know nothing and He knows everything, and if I rest, He’ll make it all good.