Life never does happen like we think it will . . .
I always thought I’d have four kids – two boys and two girls. I also thought I’d be married at age 22, so age wouldn’t be a factor in how many kids I’d have or how old I’d be at the time of having them. I never dreamed I’d be working and taking my little ones to work. But here I am. And I really never thought that I’d just have two boys or be happy with just two boys. Yet again, here I am. And I am quite happy with my two. In fact, I’m not sure how I could handle a third. And Mark is in agreement with me on that. Not sure how we could handle a third. Zoya is pretty much a third child in how active, ornery, and needy she is, so our hands are full.
And truthfully, after the labors and deliveries that I have, I can’t say that going through childbirth a third time is very exciting for me. I’m not a pop them out in 20 minutes, out of the hospital the next day kind of lady. My body’s got war wounds; my stomach muscles are in very bad shape. And if we were to have another baby, I’d be close to 35 years old with an older toddler/preschooler and a younger toddler. Yikes ahoy!! I don’t know that I have the energy to get everyone out the door in the morning, to their drop off points, and then over to work. I have tons of respect for women with multiple little ones; I think they must have immense favor and grace from the Lord. I just feel that our circumstances aren’t in our advantage to allow for us to add to our lot. I’d be overstepping the boundaries of what I can handle by adding another one and continuing to work. So for now, Mark and I are settled on being the parents of two boys. Much to my dad’s disappointment as he believes that our Eden Bella is still to come . . .
As much peace as I have with just having two kids, I do think about our Edie B. and how we dreamed about her for so long. I even have a picture of her in my mind. And I haven’t let go of the possibility of adoption. Yet I think that I’d actually prefer to go through another pregnancy, long labor and delivery, and hospital bills over the process of adoption paperwork, interviews, and visa applications (if we were to adopt an international child, which we would prefer). All of that seems like a giant process to me, especially when I consider how we still have the process of citizenship and dual citizenship to go through for Mark and the boys. Immigration paperwork and the zillions of fees required still loom in our future. I don’t really want to add to it.
Yet I’ve always had a heart for orphans and heart to take in kids. That I can’t get away from. I keep running into stories of Christian families who are taking faith leaps and adopting. I’m amazed at their determination, perseverance, and desire to go through the process. I admire them greatly. So I just feel the Lord telling me to stay open. Our Eden Bella may be out there . . . maybe just in a form we never pictured? Maybe we’ll plan to stick with two boys but God will direct our steps to do something to add to that? Who knows but God at this point . . . regardless though, I’m both curious yet at peace to just let things be. We’re blessed either way. 🙂