[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] I [/dropcap] don’t know if it’s just me or if all moms go through a crazy, exhausted, can’t think, can’t cope, I need help phase about 3 months after giving birth to a child. But that’s where I’m at. I’m feeling a bit all over the map, and the husband has to think I’m going insane. (Mark, when you read this, I’m not. Just crazy tired.) So this is a please help me process, sort through stuff, hear myself think post.
1.) I really try to not be political. But it’s in my bones. I try to keep things to myself and to not comment when people say things to me, but I really want to educate them on where their politics are wrong and how it’s going to affect my children if they don’t straighten out their thinking. And that’s why I keep my mouth shut. But as I approach my 36th (oh Lord, please tell me it’s not really 36) birthday, I’m feeling that it’s time to not be quiet anymore. That may lead to a politics section on this blog; we’ll see. Or I may have to go get a job at an American Embassy overseas . . .either way, I’ve decided to not try to change this aspect of me and just accept that it’s one of my passions.
2.) I’m starting to feel desperate for sleep. Our girl must be in a growing season, because 4am is where it’s at for her. Thankfully, Mark is always willing to get up and feed her if I can’t get her to sleep by first rocking her and holding her. However, I then can’t go back to sleep and by 6am, we seem to find two other small bodies in our bed. The smallest of whom takes my pillow. Sleep is where it’s at as I just can’t get enough.
3.) Vacation. Never use your vacation as part of your maternity leave. I’m really regretting that as Mark and I need couple time, our kids need family time, and we need 2 weeks to relax, chill out, and figure out why on earth we’re here and what are we doing?! I think you gain your perspective back when you get a chance to step away from where you’ve been, and we desperately need a new perspective.
4.) As we approach our firstborn’s first year of real school, I keep looking at our options, and thinking is this really it? Is this really where and how we want to raise our child? The elementary school across the street from us is rated in the bottom two in our whole district. 2/3 of the 3rd grade kids are partially proficient or unsatisfactory in reading. For real. It hurts my gut to think about it.
5.) I can’t hear myself think anymore. And I have not figured out a way to get quiet time, recharge time, or regroup time, which is so vital as an introvert who needs space in order to face the world every day. I’m needing tips on how to do this with 3 children who are 4 and a half and younger; all of which who don’t nap or nap at different times. I’m also needing ideas on good devotional books for the mom who needs help in focusing. Any thoughts?
And lastly, 6.) A few big opportunities/developments/ideas have come forth as avenues through which I can finally do some things that I so long to do. Two of which I can do on my own. I just need time and some space to think. (Ideally, we need an office in our house, as I know Mark needs a writing space as well.) The other one is a big, family involved, everyone together effort. It requires definite leading from the Lord, major financial provision, and lots of agreement/teamwork between Mark and me. I don’t really even want to think about it, because I feel like if I get my hopes up and it doesn’t come true, then I will feel devastatingly disappointed. And it’s not about me anyway. I can’t bank my family’s future on my dreams. So I’m trying to find a very balanced place of hoping, praying, and being okay with an answer of yes or no. I’m also praying that if it’s God it will open up doors of opportunity for my husband, who so deserves to be doing something that he loves to do (that does not require him working nights and weekends). I’m also praying that it would be something positive for all three of my kids. If not, then we can’t do it. And I’m trying to place my needs at the bottom of the pile as I evaluate all of theirs. Death to self . . . which is never easy. But I want what God wants for all 5 of us.
Anyway, so it’s a bit of an emotional windstorm inside of me these days. Not really a lot to write about. Not really anything ground shaking or earth moving. Just lots to think on and evaluate.
And back to the turning 36 thing, I’m not sure if this is what a lot of mid-thirties people go through, but I just really want balance in life. I don’t need perfect order, or perfect cleanliness, or all the answers. I just want balance, just want purpose, just want a family that has its priorities and goals in life. It would be so nice to feel like we know what we’re doing rather than always waiting to pay off bills. It would be so nice to say yes or no, this is the school district or school we want our kids in and feel good about it. I guess it would just be nice to feel like something is going correctly rather than feeling like everything is complete chaos. I can deal with chaos; just can’t deal with messes, dirt, noise, chaos, no order, no purpose, and lots of meandering. That would be the control freak, perfectionist whining a bit . . . it would also be the mom of two boys trying to cope. Anyway, I hope this makes sense to someone out there.
And one more thing – sharing a car is great when you live in a small town in England and one person can walk to work. It’s okay when you live in a bigger American town and it’s only two people working. It’s quite tricky when you live in that same American town and have to get 5 people in the car every time you go to work or school. I’m trying to stay very positive about the situation, but I’ve had moments of being really challenged in finding something to be thankful for. So I will say this: Thank the Lord that we have a mini-van that at least holds all 5 of us. If it had been the car to break, we would have been in a lot of trouble. So, thank God for mini-vans. 🙂