Wowzers, I’m not sure how to process what’s on my heart . . .
As I’ve repeatedly shared on this blog, last year was tough in every area, yet something changed at the end of October when I spoke with the special speaker that had visited our church. And as I’ve prayed and contemplated it all, these things stand out to me –
A.) I let myself get offended with God.
B.) I needed another pastor’s daughter to hear my heart, to say “yes! I know exactly where you’re at and where you need to go.” And I needed her to cry it out with me.
And I’m sure that makes no sense to anyone else, but it was the key for me to get up and move forward.
Today, at my sister’s recommendation, I listened to Bill Johnson’s latest sermon, and lo and behold, he addressed my A and B. 🙂 I love when that happens. He spoke about John the Baptist and how Jesus encouraged John (through a message) to not be offended with God. John probably never imagined that he would spend his last days in jail or that his head would be removed at the request of a girl and her bitter mother. He had to have felt forsaken in his jail cell and left to wonder what had happened in his life. Yet God had a bigger purpose, and Jesus wanted John to finish well, which meant that he needed to keep his heart and his faith. (listen to the March 11th sermon for a better explanation.) Offense, disappointment, discouragement, unbelief, and lack of purpose all keep us from moving forward. We have to deal with those things and grab onto what God has for us. And as I look at my life, I see that through our move to the US, through immigration trials, through a disappointing c-section and breast- feeding failure, through multiple financial struggles, and disappointment in not having a baby girl, I let my heart get hard. I got offended. I told God that He had left me out of my ministry desires, He let my dreams die, and I couldn’t see what He made me to be. I just saw struggle, and I couldn’t understand it. And I knew He wasn’t to blame. I just couldn’t get my vision sorted out.
Yet through all that, He lovingly corrected me. He didn’t forsake me. He continued to prove His goodness, and I have a multitude of testimonies to share about Him. And through His goodness, He’s helped me to change. I’m slowly becoming a glass is full type person in place of the negative critic that I used to be. My heart is humble as I know where He’s brought me from and how everything comes from Him. And most importantly, He’s renewing my vision and showing me why I am called Micah and what He has purposed for me. He’s enlarging my heart for others.
Lastly, I’m starting to understand the reason behind His divine appointment between the pastor’s daughter and myself. I’m seeing why my heart was allowed to break down in front of a lady that I didn’t know yet who understood my tears. And it’s another testimony of His goodness, which I’ll share in a future post.