This is a conglomeration of thoughts that I’ve been processing for about 6 months . . .
Working – being a working mom who takes her baby to work is not easy. It bugs me to hear people criticize working moms, especially moms who take our babies to work. Do they think that I would work if I had a choice? I don’t feel good about putting Ryder into daycare, so that’s not an option for now. Yet having him with me 24/7 is not easy, especially after 31 years of being quite independent and liking my own time. It’s been an adjustment. Some days, I wish I could be a stay at home mom, and other days, I wish that I could work part-time and leave Ryder with his dad or with my mom. This has been a big prayer issue for me for several months, and still, no answer or solution. So onward ho . . . I am grateful to have had Ryde with me and to have not had to put him in daycare. That is a blessing, but as he approaches crawling, then walking, I just feel like this situation is only going to get more difficult. But God knows that, so maybe it’s all a matter of His timing.
Aging – so turning 32 was not the highlight of my month. I’m not a fan of birthdays or aging. However, I’m noticing something about myself. I like the person that I’m becoming. I’m comfortable and happy in my own skin. I even feel like I’m actually getting a bit wiser as I get older, and I would honestly never go back to my 20s. Everyone says that when you’re young and in your 20s, you think you know it all. Then you hit your 30s and you realize you know nothing. That is true. You realize that you need to decrease and let Him increase. And you realize that your opinion and everything you thought was so necessary and so the way it is, really is not necessary and is not the way that it is. It’s a learning/humbling phase of life, and it’s really good. I’m liking this age so far . . .
Being a mom and wife – I’m almost 8 months into this mom thing and over 3 years into the wife thing. And basically, neither of them are easy. However, I love my two guys, and I’m so very grateful that the Lord is teaching me how to do both. I’m also grateful that I’m married to a patient man, who accepts me with all my faults. And I have a son who doesn’t even know that his mom is not perfect. So I’m allowed to learn as I go, and I appreciate that.
Being a perfectionist – I’m giving up on the need for perfection. With a 1 year old dog and a 7 month old baby, and the fact that both Mark and I are working a lot and are super busy, my house is rarely clean, we eat out more than we should, save less than we should, and are more tired than I’d like. My hair never gets straightened, the color of it is bad, and all my jeans fit badly. Our house is small and old, and yet it’s more than a large portion of the world has. It’s affordable and it works for us, and I’m happy with it. And as I look around at everything, I realize I don’t care about stuff, don’t care about spending an hour in the morning to look good, don’t care if we happen to eat at Taco Bell or Good Times, I just don’t care; we’re doing the best with what we have. It’s quite freeing really.
Loving – And lastly, God’s been reminding me more and more about what love is. He’s showing me more about how much He loves us, how much He has done for us, and how I just need to believe Him, trust Him, and rest in Him. He’s got me, He’s got Mark, He’s got Ryder, and He’s got all of our family. Even in the death of Sabine, I really felt God’s love and comfort. He knows our hurts, and He knows that I’m hoping to be greeted by Jack and Sabine when we get to heaven. 🙂
Very last thing – having David Hogan speak at our church was definitely a highlight of the year. But something that I realized from him was this – loving God, serving Him, seeking Him, and making this life count are more than just goals or part of the normal Christian life. They’re the reason that we’re here. What excuse do I have for not being on fire for God, for not praying for the sick, not loving everyone that I meet, not living my life for Him? There are no excuses. Enough said for now.