[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #9b9b9b;”] S [/dropcap]o in one of my last posts, I told you that I’m learning about the love of God. Learning to receive, embrace, and walk in His love. However, I did not tell you why this is so necessary. It’s necessary for a lot of reasons, but we’re going to focus on the reason that is in the forefront for me right now.
As I note quite often in my writing, I’m kind of an explosive, moody, sometimes dramatic, intense person (do I sound like my firstborn son?!). I’m not easy to live with. I’ve known this about myself for some time, but it became more noticeable after getting married, then more so after our first child, then even more after the second. It doesn’t help to add in the perfectionist, need to have a plan, kind of feel in control, have life is some form that I can work with, side of me. Parenting doesn’t really work with all of those tendencies. Raising two boys who are dirty and noisy all of the time really does not work with those tendencies. So what’s a girl to do with this life that she’s got? Make it work.
And as much as I’ve questioned why God, did you give me two boys? and felt that I didn’t get an answer, I randomly got the answer while I was cleaning out the garage yesterday. Are we ready for the drum roll? . . . . . I got two boys so that I could be reworked into this lady who is patient, who stops to smell the flowers (or in my case, stops to look at the bugs that my sons are pointing at), who doesn’t stress at the amount of dirt on the floor or stains on the carpet or the giant mess of toys everywhere, who maintains her peace while one son is throwing a tantrum and the other is oblivious and jumping, hollering, and so in his own world that he head slams me in the head and almost knocks me out . . . I did not maintain my peace with that. And I felt bad afterwards . . . and I’ll come back to this.
I need to backtrack real quick in order to get to the point. I just finished reading Beautiful One by a bunch of lovely ladies who are in ministry and who are wives to pastors and missionaries, and one of the authors was/is Beni Johnson. I don’t know much about her, except that she’s got the heart of an intercessor and she’s been interceding for Great Britain. So I immediately liked her when I heard that, and I’ve been paying attention to her ever since. I’m finding out that she was a lot like me when she started out . . . a quiet, shy, striving pastor’s daughter. And the Lord undid her. She just happened to teach at her church this past Sunday while her husband was traveling, and my sister told me that I had to listen as she talks about her heart for the UK. So I listened, and nothing about it was tremendous. Yet everything about it was impactful. She said so many things that hit me hard. So many things that I’ve been digging for. And she talked about how she has realized that God is peace. Heaven is peaceful. We all know that, but she said that His heart is for us to live in peace. Live without all the clutter in our heads. My head is so cluttered!! I long for the clutter to be gone as it’s what gets me so distracted and so off course. I get myself in so many bad situations by getting out of peace and into something else. And her words made me rethink on all the scriptures about peace that my dad has always quoted to me (knowing that his daughter needed them). It made me see how the relationship problems, the yelling at my kids, the moments of major frustration are when I’ve moved from peace into striving, into worry, into fear, into needing to be in control.
And it’s interesting to me how love, God’s perfect love, is the thing that keeps us in peace. Perfect love casts out all fear. And fear is the source of all of my stiff, unbending, freaking out tendencies. Fear of not being in control, fear of the worst happening, fear of this or that. Yet it’s God’s perfect love at work in me which allows for me to walk in love towards my husband, my boys, my family, my friends, the random stranger at the store who says really off the wall things to me, etc. I have to choose to let the love rule and not get into all of the other stuff. Had I allowed myself one moment to think and not react first when my son head butted me, I would have realized that he really didn’t mean to. He was in his loud, playing, hyper, get all my energy out before bed zone and not even thinking about who was around him or what he was doing. He didn’t mean to almost knock his mama out. He didn’t understand why he got in trouble for it as it was as much of a shock to him as it was to me. I learned from that experience, and I hope that the next time it happens I’ll remember to not react.
So I’m saying all of this to say that I’m desperately needing God’s love in my life in order for it to transform me. I’m being redone in order for His glory to pour out. I got boys, because they are part of the tools that God is using to rework me. Someday, they’ll be able to look at their mom and see this happy, flexible, peaceful, loving, calm lady who doesn’t flinch at dirt, yelling, or chaos. And that lady will be the one who will be kneeling in the dirt to love on a poor soul who is lonely, hurting, and hungry. The old Micah, who was so uptight and in her perfect little shell, couldn’t ever kneel in the dirt with anyone – even though her heart longed to. Yet the new Micah will. I’m being remade from a head person into a heart person. And that makes all of this worthwhile.
Does this make any sense? I hope so. I’m still learning to communicate clearly through writing, and it’s a process to learn to write in a way that shares what one is experiencing yet can also make it impactful for the reader’s benefit.