And I’ve realized that this blog is actually really important to me. I used to think that I was writing as a test of my writing skills. Like this was my test to see if I could write something that could maybe be worth publishing at some point? Or to show if I have enough stamina, endurance, focus to keep one thing going for a long period of time? Then I realized that millions of people are good writers. Many people have far more interesting lives than I do. And lots of people write with more humor, depth, and spirituality than I. As far as endurance and focus, I apparently have very little of either. 🙂 So do I keep the blog or forget it?
The funny thing is that the only reason I even have time to write this morning is because I’m at home on a sick day from work. If I’m well enough to blog, then I’m well enough to work, right? Maybe. Maybe not. I also have a very congested 16 week old who is snoozing next me. As well as he does at work, he needed a day at home today. And as well as I might be to blog, I actually am as congested as he is. We both need a recoup day. More than that though, I’m starting to realize that when my body begins to get sick it’s usually because I’m failing to care for it. I’m neglecting the care of Micah, and my body is trying to tell me that.
And the one culprit of any illness for me is always the same – my longtime friend, “STRESS”. Honestly, I hate being stressed. Yet as my husband will tell you, on the average day, I am stressed. And it’s not for one reason or two, but it’s usually because of many reasons. The dog has tracked mud in through our kitchen, our living room, our bathroom, and all over our bed. The laundry is piled high, the dishes are piled high, and I have no idea what to make for dinner. I have to go to work, then go to a cleaning job, and go teach a class that I’m not prepared for. Or after days of working and dreaming of a day off, we finally get one, and all we do is clean the house. Those are usually my reasons for my stress. And they’re probably valid reasons.
Whether they’re valid or not though is really not the question. And lately the Lord and my dear husband have been trying to get me to ask the real question. Am I just excusing my stress? Or am I just giving in to my perfectionistic, workaholic, first born attitude of having to do everything and do it all perfectly. Never letting myself or anyone around me rest or enjoy themselves? Is my joy full? Am I living the God-kind of life and enjoying it? Is peace ruling and reigning in me and am I anxious for nothing? The answers to those are pretty obvious.
Something else I’ve realized too is that I don’t give myself any grace. All I see is a Micah, who after 4 months of giving birth to a baby, can’t seem to manage life or get back to the person that she was before baby. I still can’t fit in most of my old clothes, can’t lose the last 10 pounds of baby weight, can’t seem to find a hair color that suits me (I’m not going with my natural color of gray, because I shouldn’t be going gray at 31. So no comments about why I can’t be happy with my hair color. If you have as much gray as I do, then I might listen to you.), can’t manage to keep the house clean, can’t manage to be on time, can’t seem to walk the dog on the days that Mark’s not home, because I can’t figure out how to keep Ryde happy in his carrier while I manage a hyper 1 year old husky, can’t seem to enjoy our Sundays when we spend 4 hours cleaning an office after church, and the list of “just can’t manage” goes on and on. So I’ve let myself be focused on all that I can’t do instead of enjoying all that is in my life.
And the main one to enjoy in my life is my Savior, Sweetest Friend, Counselor, Provider, Healer, and more than enough to satisfy all that I need. Somehow, I’ve forgotten Him. Forgotten to spend time with Him, to talk to Him, listen to Him, trust Him, lean on and rely on Him, and just allow Him to be who He is in my life. My lack of relationship with Him is affecting all areas of my life. And that’s both embarrassing and shameful. It also hurts my heart. It hurts that I’ve been too focused on keeping my house tidy (which it never is) and bring in money to help pay the bills that I’ve forgotten my first love. And the thing that hurts even more than that is that my first love has blessed me with my heart’s desires – a sweet, beautiful baby to raise with my wonderful, loving husband.
I’m finally a mom, and I dreamed of this day for so long. Yet now that it’s here, I haven’t enjoyed it like I should. I haven’t just relaxed and enjoyed every second with my boy. And that’s not the kind of mom I want to be. This is not the kind of person I want to be.
And lastly, a funny thing keeps happening to me. As I’m out and about with Ryder, especially at church or church events, people keep referring to me as Ryder’s mom. Yesterday, I told Mark how people say hi to Ryder but not me, and I asked him if I was chopped liver or what? We had a good laugh and continued on with our day. But this morning as I thought about it, I realized that not only did God answer my prayer and give me a baby, but He’s also given me a purpose. I am Ryder’s mom. No one else can claim that. I am responsible to raise him to the best of my ability. I’m responsible to be the mom that God has made me to be. So that means that it is time to de-stres, time to get focused, time to get back with my first love as these are the things that will enable me to be the best mom that I can be.
So there is a point to this blog as I am one who processes. Somehow as I write all that I’m thinking and feeling, my life seems a bit more clear and a bit less cluttered. Whether I ever become a writer or whether I keep my blog up every month or not is not the purpose or aim of this blog. The purpose is to help me to continue to progress in this life. Continue to see the beauty in the progress that God is making in me, Ryder’s mom. 😉