It’s funny to me how you become a mom, and everyone starts asking how much you love motherhood and isn’t being a mom the best thing ever?! First, how can you say no? Second, I wonder if I’m the only one who struggled with the transition to becoming a mom? I love, love my little man; he is a wonderful gift to us. But I can’t honestly say that motherhood came easy or was something that I fell in love with immediately.
I think that moms who have their babies via c-section have a totally different experience than moms who have their babies otherwise. I remember hearing Ryder cry as they removed him from my womb, and I remember asking what he looked like and how big he was. I also remember just laying on the operating table and being so tired. I so wanted to see what he looked like, but all I could move were my eyes. Everything else was so heavy. So when Mark brought him over and laid him next to my head, all I could say was that I didn’t want to drop him. I was afraid that Mark would think that I could hold him, and I couldn’t. All I could do was wrap my arm around him and look at him. Then they took him and Mark into the waiting room while they finished sewing me up. I was separate for them for the next half hour or so, and all I remember was how much I wanted to sleep and how they wouldn’t let me.
They then wheeled me into the recovery room and immediately had me try to nurse Ryder. As happy and as excited as I was to hold him, I had so many instructions flying at me. Do this, make sure you do this, can you feel your legs, start moving your legs, and on it went. Meanwhile, Mark was trying to get a hold of our family to tell them that our son had finally arrived, and he was also trying to find food for himself as we hadn’t eaten in many, many hours. So it was just a lot of chaos. When everyone finally got settled down, and it was just us and the nurse, I could finally look at my son and realize what all had happened over the past 32 hours.
From that point on, I had to focus on recovering while Mark got the job of looking after Ryde. I didn’t get to eat for 2 days (horrible), and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Ryder was not nursing, so we had nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, sucking specialists, etc. in and out of the room all day and night. They finally figured out that we could not trigger his sucking reflex, and so began hours of trying out different contraptions to get him to be able to breastfeed. I think those 5 days in the hospital were a tad exhausting. However, I look back at that time and feel like it was some of the sweetest days in our lives as they were the first days of us being a family of 3. Mark and I got to see each other in a new light, as parents, and we got to see what a mini version of us was like. The mini version was good. 🙂 God did a good job on making our son.
The next three weeks at home were a lot as I was still recovering and still focusing on pumping, using all the contraptions to get Ryde to nurse, and trying to learn how to be a mom. It’s amazing how much we take our health for granted. It’s also amazing how frequently we use our stomach muscles. To get out of bed was impossibly hard when you can’t use your stomach. (I would never voluntarily choose a c-section . . . ) On week four of life with Ryder, he and I went to work full-time. And let’s just say that it wasn’t easy. As my hours slowly were cut at work, I started to feel a little relief. But I very quickly realized that my desire to work was gone. After working full-time in the business world for over 10 years, and never really having the desire to be a business woman in the first place, working and trying to tend to a baby at the same time was just not ideal. However, I’m realizing that sometimes in life we just have to get on with it.
Now, a year later, I have even less of a desire to be in the working world, and I have more of longing to just be a mom. My son is getting very active, and I have high hopes for another baby. And ideally, I’d like to be home with both. So as I present this desire before the Lord and wait for Him to bring it to happen, I look back on Ryde’s first year of life and in many ways, I’m glad he won’t remember it! I’m glad he won’t remember having a very busy, somewhat stressed mom, or how we went from work, to cleaning jobs, to running errands, to teaching at the Bible School, to this, that, and the other. But through all of that, I also see how God’s grace has been on us in that Ryder has such a flexible, easy-going personality. On the average day, he’s just happy. 🙂 That makes me happy. And on the average day, he minds his mom pretty well. So we’ve been blessed in that. This season won’t last forever, and while it does last, God’s grace and help is there. So we are able to just get on with it, and as much work as motherhood is, I do enjoy it very much. 😉