Sometimes I feel like the worst part about me is that I think too much. My thinking process is very long, very in depth, and a bit exhausting. On several occasions, I will say something to my husband, and his response is “where did that come from?” I then have to back track and somehow give him the short version of how I got to the seemingly random statement that I just made in order to show him that it really was not random at all. He’s learning that all of my thoughts go together, but I only vocalize a small percentage of the millions of things I could say. Thankfully, I’m glad that he loves the deep thinking side of me as he’s also a deep thinker. He can look around, under, through, and outside of the box and join me in discussions of how and why things are or should be. That’s something that we share . . . even if it’s occasionally confusing and random.
However, as my husband and I have discussed lately, with deep thinking comes actions that could have been avoided had the thinking ended earlier than later. Does that sentence make sense? If my thinking process would end before the what ifs, the I hope this doesn’t happens, the many worst case scenarios, etc., it would save me from a lot of stress, anxiety, discouragement, etc.
Easier said than done.
So this morning, while working, I was thinking of a verse that I learned a long time ago when I was a kid. “For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Unfortunately, I never did well at learning scripture references, but fortunately, we now have the internet and biblegateway.com.
And as I looked up this scripture, I realized that there’s more to this than what we learned in the 2nd grade – and I’m not quoting this in the King James, even though that’s what I learned it in:
Proverbs 23:7 (Amplified Bible)
For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. As one who reckons, he says to you, eat and drink, yet his heart is not with you [but is grudging the cost].
Wowzers . . . . look at the second part of that verse.
(And now this is an example of how I move from one subject to the other, but in a detailed, yet easy to follow way.)
Holy smokes, “he says to you, eat and drink, yet his heart is not with you (but is grudging the cost).” There are so many things I could say right now; the main one being that I am very guilty of this. As the budget manager of the Hayden household, I am constantly aware of where our money is going. And shamefully, I can’t always say that I give our money away with a cheerful heart. Yet instead, I try to think of all the ways that we’ll need to cut back in order to make up for that money that we just gave. Yikes.
And I’ve noticed that over the course of my marriage to Mark I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about money. It’s made things even more stressful to us as I’ve wrestled with God about His provision, about how to trust Him, about how to increase (not decrease) our giving, about what it means to be a good steward, and about how financially it never looks good for us on paper (in fact, we have days and weeks and months of it looking scary) even though we work our tails off. And yet I can act the right way, say the right things, and on the outside possibly appear to be okay and to be happy to be giving or happily trusting Him. But in reality, I’m sometimes resenting the fact that we’re exhausted, that I had plans for that money, that there are things that I want . . .yucky thoughts.
Yet regardless of all of that, my God is still good to me.
He faithfully teaches me, faithfully interrupts my frantic thinking and says “Mic, stop! Just trust Me.” He lovingly corrects me and says “don’t look at everyone around you and how they’re doing. Don’t look at your bank statement and bills and ask how they’ll be paid. Only look at me.” And after each time, I open my mouth and let out fear or worry, His gentle Spirit tugs on my heart and says “don’t say that, but say this instead.” He reminds me of what I do have and how blessed I am, and He speaks peace and comfort to me. And I lovingly respond with a heart that repents and asks God to teach me to not worry and teach me to give more (and with a cheerful heart).
So I’m learning that being the deep, multi-thinker that I am is not all bad; however, it challenges me in that I have to really make an effort to align my thinking to Him and His Word. It’s not going to change on its own. It’s going to change as I purpose to take every thought captive and to align my thoughts with His, and as daunting as it looks and feels on most days, it’s worth the challenge. It’s worth the effort as I don’t want to be that man (person) that Proverbs 23:7 speaks of. I want to please my God, and I want to be the same person on the inside as I am on the outside.