I think I’ve said this before on this blog, but motherhood hasn’t come easy for me. I always wanted to be a mom, and I always wanted to have 2 boys and 2 girls. I also wanted a black skinned baby and a blonde haired baby. I got the blonde, and I got the 2 boys. It’s not looking promising on the 2 girls or the black baby. Adoption is still an option, but not a very hopeful one considering the cost. Anyway, now that I’ve got my 2 kids, and I struggle with my toddler every day, I wonder how fit I am to mother. 🙂 I especially wonder how fit I am to raise my two boys. Boy stuff, boy energy levels, boy loudness, boy roughness, boy everything is very foreign to me. There are not a lot of levels on which Ryder and I relate. He’s loud, I’m not. He’s super energetic, I’m not. He sees the world in a very different way than I ever will. He’s a male, and I’m a female. He’s 2, and I’m 33. 🙂 We’re very different! So how do I bridge those differences . . . ??
The other day, I was sitting on the floor in a sleep deprived daze, and it hit me that if we don’t try to have a girl, I will never get to go shopping with my daughter, never get to have long heart-to-heart chats, never go on a mother-daughter trip (like my mom and sister did), never get to read romance novels with her, or watch chick flicks, and never get to advise my daughter on feminine things. And a sense of mourning hit me. Mourning for my Eden Bella who has yet to exist. Yet this time, I didn’t fight God or ask Him why. I just said okay, Lord, so be it. If she’s not to be, then so be it. I’ll live. I’ll enjoy my boys, and life will go on. If my sister gets to have the girls, then I’ll be a great aunt like my aunts have been. I’ll do the shopping, the chatting, the trips with my nieces instead. And that’s okay. It’ll be okay . . . hopefully. 🙂 And this sounds silly to those of you who have girls, because you can’t relate. But to my friends who only have boys, I know you relate. I know you get me. And I know you know you’ll be okay too.
And I know there are lots of benefits, sweet things about the relationships between sons and their moms. I get that . . . and I hear that all the time. But that’s not what this blog is about . . . that’ll be another day.
So I’ve now been looking for a different way to view my boy. I’ve been thinking of activities that I can do with him that will help get the energy out, that will bring out his imagination, get his curiosity going, but that won’t wreck the house or hurt the dog (as his current activities tend to be right now). I’m trying to not tell him to be quiet, but to teach him when we need to whisper and not yell at the top of our voice. I’m trying to not say no so much, but to say okay, how about this instead? And I’m trying to not change him, but let him be him (within appropriate boundaries), which is all boy. I’m also trying to let him do things himself and not say anything while he does it (again within boundaries). It’s challenging. Parenting is challenging. And I haven’t figured out my role very well or how to do a good job of the biggest responsibility I’ve ever been entrusted with. As Ryde approaches his second birthday, he’s been the most challenging ever, and it’s been hard. But the current challenges are a phase, and we will work through them (and move to the next phase). So it’s just a matter of being a loving mom through all of it . . . 🙂
And it’s another reminder of how life is not about us. Motherhood is hard on the flesh; it requires a lot of discipline of our own self. It’s tiring, but it’s worth it. And to end this, I have to share this –
Two Saturdays ago, we were at the church and were preparing to go and minister to the homeless in Boulder. We were supposed to be praying and asking God to show us who He’d have for us to speak to. While the prayer was going, I was having to change 2 poopy diapers. So there wasn’t much prayer going on for me. When we set out in our ministry teams, Mark asked if I had anyone/anything specific regarding who we might see or pray for. I looked at him like, hello, I was changing diapers. I just honestly replied with a no, I didn’t really get to pray much. He said okay, and we set out to find our homeless treasures. Funnily enough, the whole time we had been praying beforehand and while we were walking around, I kept thinking “pregnant”. But I didn’t think much of it. So we get to our first group of homeless people, and we ask them if they need any of the supplies that we had with us. The only female in the gorup responds with “Do you have anything for an unborn baby?” Both Mark and I heard her say it, but we responded first to all the men as they asked for razors, socks, tooth paste, etc. So we handed out what we had, and then we asked the woman what she needed for her baby. She then told us that she had been pregnant up until that week, and on the Tuesday before, she had miscarried at 20 weeks. My heart broke for her. Here I just had a baby, just was pregnant, and knew exactly what the heart of a pregnant woman feels. To lose that would be unbearable. So we talked with her, and then as I prayed for her, my heart just kept saying “pregnant” again. She was the woman I was to meet that day. She was the lady I was to pray for. And if I’d never had my kids, never been pregnant, never knew the desire that she has to have a baby, I couldn’t have ministered as well to her. The bond of motherhood is a strong one, and I felt that with her. I felt her heart.
So as I face my daily motherhood struggles, I do see and realize the ups and downs, the joys of children, the heart full of love for them, the privilege along with the responsibility of raising children, but most importantly, the blessing we receive in our kids. My sons are my greatest blessing. And I do know that there is a reason why God gave me 2 sons. He may not ever tell me why, but I trust that He has a good reason. I trust that it’s not just His sense of humor, but that He is going to do a great work in me as He teaches me to mother boys. And even though I don’t have much of a sense of who Ryder is going to be or what his giftings/callings are, I know that God is preparing my big boy for something. So my job is to do my part in getting him ready for that. And God has equipped me to do it and do it well.
All this has probably been written on this blog before or said in some way or another, and it’s not real cohesive or written well. BUT it’s where it’s at for me.