Where to start . . . ? Lately, from the most unexpected places, I’ve been encouraged to write again. I’ve had friends (who don’t know about this blog nor have ever read anything I’ve written) say “Micah, it’s vital that you write during this time. God wants to download things to you, and they will come as you write.” Does that mean blogging? Does it mean journaling my prayers? Does it mean simply writing? To me, it means all three. So here we go with trying to work out what’s bubbling in me right now.
If you follow our journey on social media, you know we’re needing a miracle in the realm of finances and my visa to stay in the UK. Mark cannot return to the US, so there’s no “going home” for us. Home is wherever we can stay together. To say that this hasn’t been heavy on my heart and mind would be lying. It’s something that I can’t truly look in the face right now as it’s SCARY. Yet I recently had a friend challenge me and point out that God can sort out visas. He can qualify the disqualified. I thought man, this is too much now. We’re so relying on God right now that I can’t really deal with this one as it’s our future. My future with Mark and my children is reliant on a stinkin’ visa!! That brings out so much anger, frustration, stress, and just UGGHGH!!!
Hmmmmm . . . so maybe it needs to be dealt with then. So I’ve been dealing with this. And it truly comes down to a trust issue. Can I trust my future to the Lord?
Back up now to two weeks ago, and very long story short, we were praying with someone (who doesn’t know our story at all) and they felt like the Lord showed them that we’ve been through a giant agitation and unsettling this year. Then he said, “that agitation was intended to move you so that you would not get settled and stay where you were. The Lord wanted to show you more, so He had to move you in order to expand your perspective.” Holy smokes. That grabbed my heart, and even as I type this now, I’ve got tears as I can now see what my Father has been up to. I’ve prayed for ten months now to know the why. Why this? Why that? God, what are you wanting me to see?!? I know my Father is a good God. I know that He does not cause suffering or pain in our lives. I know that He is always for us and never against us. But I haven’t always known if He sees and if He moving on our behalf. After this past year, I now know that He sees and He is carefully tending to us, walking with us, calling us, and loving on us.
He sees that we need a miracle in our circumstances, and yet what we (and some of our close friends who are praying with us) keep sensing is that the work that He’s doing in us is far more important than the miracle that He is doing for us. Does that make sense? He can easily keep our family together and get us a visa to live in the same country together. Truthfully, I think He’s wondering why I even doubted that He could do that, and why am I even allowing that to distract me and to allow fear/worry in? Fear and worry are bigger issues as they let in more garbage than they’re worth. So why am I wasting my time on them?
He can work out our circumstances; the bigger key and question is will we let Him do a miracle in us, specifically in our thinking?
If you know me well, you know that I am an expert at thinking. I have lost many hours of sleep in my life due to thinking. And I knew to replace my anxious or negative thoughts with scripture, but I did not know how to actually change my thinking in a way that would bring change to my life. I would sit down to read the Word and fight so much distraction or so much guilt about various things that I’d then feel a heaviness about reading the Bible. As much as I love the Word and hunger for it, I just felt something missing. That missing part is the Holy Spirit. He wants to lead and guide our thinking, and as we yield and work with Him, He brings the revelation from the Word that then transforms our thinking. And so I’m on this fun journey of learning about our thoughts. How we think and what we think bring so much into our reality. How we think about God and what we think He thinks about us are probably the two biggest areas that we get wrong in our thought lives.
Over the past several months, but specifically over the past two, the Lord has been weeding out some “stinking thinking” that I’ve had about Him, His character, and what He thinks about me. I have had a lot of “I should” thoughts and “I need to be” thoughts that are not in line with Him or His Word. I’ve had a very wrong perception of myself and how He sees me. And now that these things are getting straightened out, we’re seeing amazing changes!! As a mom, I never realized that what I’m dwelling on in my head affects my family and our home! Shocker. Yet I couldn’t see it. I knew that my oldest child was very in tune to my emotions, yet I didn’t know how to sort them out properly so I beat myself over the head with “if only I did this and thought this and could be this.” And all the while, God just wanted to sort out my perspective. Once that work began, my son began to look and act different. To the point where his siblings, my husband, and I have been looking at each other with big eyes and in awe as my boy is softening and showing us that he loves us. He’s relaxing into his own skin; maybe because he sees his mama relaxing? Or because the atmosphere in our home is slowly shifting and the pressure is losing its grip? And now, I’m able to see when shame or fear (the two that he battles) come beating on his door, and I can step in and say “no way, are you coming in!” Then I cover Ryder with love and with acceptance. It is such a miraculous change in our family. And it all started with the Holy Spirit working to change our perspective.
I know the Lord has so much that He’s wanting to change in our thinking right now, and we’re so eager and so hungry for it. We just want more of Jesus! We ask the Holy Spirit to please show us what He wants to do; what does He want to say to our kids? What does He want to give us in place of fear and worry? How can we trust our God more? How can we submit more? Has this been easy process? Absolutely not. This has come out of one of the hardest years of our lives. Yet are we thankful for it? Yes. In fact, I feel that God cares about us so deeply that He has said “My kids!! I love you so much that I can’t watch you get hounded by these things anymore, so in order to lift your gaze up, I am going to bring you through this way.” The Israelites had this same choice; I wonder if we think about that enough? What amazing miracles God did for them – even in their faithless state of wandering the desert! What could He have done for them if they would have just believed and thanked Him for freeing them from slavery? If they had worshipped their way through the wilderness and looked in expectation of the Promised Land, what could their story have been? That’s a whole different post for another day, but that’s what I’ve been asking myself as I look back over the past year or two.
So hopefully, I will do a better job of checking in here (forgive me if you’ve left comments, and it took me two months to see them. . . ) to write out what God is doing as I want to have a written testimony of His work in our lives. I want to nail these things down in writing. And I hope that they will encourage those of you who read this and maybe struggle in the same ways that I do. Keep your hope on for God is unfailing in His goodness, His kindness, and His love. He just wants us to know Him. More than anything we can do or say or give or walk out, He just wants us to know His heart. Just spend time with Him as that is the best thing we can do for ourselves (and our thinking!), our families, and our callings. Spend time getting to know the One that loves you best; listen to His heart and ask Him what He wants to say to you. He will answer.